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What Does Surviving the Specter Look Like?

28 Nov
What Does Surviving the Specter Look Like?

If you could see me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell what surviving means.

Unless you had it. 

A.k.a. depression.

Your Specter may be different.

PTSD.

Anxiety.

Bipolar

Dissociative Disorders

Borderline Personality Disorder…

…Mental. Illness. (I like to call them Mental Health Conditions)

Quote_gray_001

It’s been severe for me going on close to a year. That monkey on your back that you can’t shake loose.

No matter what medications you’re on.

No matter how much exercise you do.

No matter how much sleep you get.

No matter how many friends you could call in an instant to support you.

No matter how sunny and warm it is.

No matter what you do, or don’t do, it’s always there…your Specter.

Here’s what surviving my Specter means-

  1. Apathy – Perhaps this should more accurately be categorized as catatonic or numbness. A deep-seated emotional disconnect from life. Nothing makes me happy. I don’t smile. I don’t laugh. I have a lack of enthusiasm and interest and I’m indifferent to the things that go on around me (though I did get out to vote, yay me). I don’t get joy from anything, not even blogging or drawing. I’ve convinced myself that it’s the meds but maybe it’s Specter’s claws gripping my throat until I give up and cease to care.
  2. Lethargy – I’ve been going to bed around 7 pm every night for the past several months. By that time, I’m so disinterested that sleep is the only thing that could quell the apathy. I used to stay up late so I guess this is a good thing, but not really. What’s worse is that I set my alarm for 3:45 to take my Adderall, hoping  I’ll feel like getting out of bed by 6:30, but that’s hopeless. For the most part, it’s still a long-enduring struggle and I usually slap the alarm clock in disgust as I try my hardest to mutate my way to the shower.
  3. Isolation – Depression teaches you that you’re worthless. It forces you to harshly criticize yourself for what seem like rational thoughts – You’re overweight;  You’re always angry; You never smile,; You’re never happy; Who could stand to be around you? Its cunning schemes trick you into believing that you are bringing others down when you’re around them. You believe these lies and suddenly they become your reality. And you don’t want to be around others. Suddenly there’s a solace in being alone. No fear of being judged by others (my friends never have) or worrying about impressing others. And you grab your security blanket, turn off the lights, turn on Netflix, and cocoon yourself from the outside world. I’ve perfected this by going a step further and have disconnected my doorbell.
  4. Suicidal Thoughts – Ah yes, these. The icing on the cake. When sleep isn’t enough, death is. It seems like the only way out. But it’s not. I know how bad those thoughts can get – I acted on my own suicidal thoughts a couple years back. If you have these thoughts, please contact someone as soon as you can. Then, make sure you have a safety plan in place. Have three friends you can call before you start spiraling downward. Preferably someone who can come sit with you. It must be three in case the first two don’t answer for some reason. Also, make it clear to these friends why you want their help – at a time when you aren’t having suicidal thoughts. My friends in the U.S. can call the lifeline given below.

suicide_prevention_002

This is what it means for me to survive the Specter.

I hope you can’t relate.

Picture 5

 

 

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13 Comments

Posted by on 11/28/2016 in Depression

 

Tags: , , , , ,

13 responses to “What Does Surviving the Specter Look Like?

  1. peggyricewi

    12/05/2016 at 09:38

    You described it so well. I’m sorry you are suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      12/05/2016 at 09:44

      Thank you for your wishes, Peggy. Hoping I get a meds tune-up tomorrow, I’m rather over this feeling of numbness. X

      Like

       
  2. KatieComeBack

    12/03/2016 at 21:26

    “Apathy” reminds me of the lyrics in “Next to Normal” where they’re working on adjusting her meds and she has all these side effects. Finally they get her combination where she says “I don’t feel like myself. I mean, i don’t feel anything.” The doctor notes “Patient stable.” (Lyrics here: https://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/nexttonormal/whoscrazymypsychopharmacologistandi.htm)

    Liked by 1 person

     
  3. Army of Angels

    11/28/2016 at 21:04

    I can relate…the apathy surprised me when I first learned that it can be a red flag for so many things. Stay in the fight!

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      11/29/2016 at 08:30

      Thank you for taking your time to read and comment, Army. I’m interested to hear more about the red flags.

      Like

       
  4. Matthew Malin

    11/28/2016 at 20:58

    My heart is with you, friend. Keep the Lord close in your heart as He is always near.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      11/29/2016 at 08:33

      Recently it seems as if He and I are both so far apart and that’s one area my apathy has penetrated – my faith, unfortunately. I stick with it by reading the Jesus Calling app but I just don’t feel that closeness so many others proclaim. Maybe one day I’ll find it. Thank you for your unwavering friendship, empathy, and encouragement. X

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Matthew Malin

        11/29/2016 at 09:20

        I definitely understand that. Keep fighting, friend. He loves you. 🙂 And thank you for yours, too!!

        Liked by 1 person

         
  5. powerofenduring

    11/28/2016 at 19:29

    I CAN relate, but we all fight together!

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      11/28/2016 at 19:33

      Thank you for your encouraging words, Morgan. It’s good to be in this fight together. I just Followed your blog since we both deal with mental conditions. Looking forward to reading more of your story, X.

      Liked by 1 person

       

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