Why do I seclude myself?
If you’re a follower, you know that I’ve been in a valley for quite some time – a place in my depression that’s close to Specter, but not to the point of being suicidal. More of a melancholia that my friend Harry P X Frost so rightly named. An apathy. A lethargy. A deep despair. A forced lonesomeness.
Notice the word forced in that last part?
This melancholia sort of forces me to put myself in seclusion. I say “sort of” because I am introverted and appreciate my alone time, so that’s definitely a factor in my seclusion.
The melancholia certainly compounds it though.
Laying catatonic under a blanket on the couch. Watching a Red Box movie or Netflix. Doritos dunkin’ in cream cheese. That’s how it goes.
How does my support network react to my seclusion?
I am however, fortunate to have a supportive network of friends and family who not only reach out, but also have such a spot-on understanding of how I get, that they are able to step back and give me some alone time.
I am fortunate because they trust me when I say I just need some space to regroup. That’s a HUGE step for them, especially after my suicide attempt last September. HUGE.
I thank them for their trust to the point of giving me that time.
I know you must be thinking that is the exact opposite of what they should be doing, but it’s not. I reach a point when I get cranky and I imagine unbearable to others I am talking to. Ask my girlfriend and she’ll tell you the exact times that we DON’T talk because it’s more or less a futile effort. She understands. And I am thankful for that.
I don’t feel being alone is “dangerous” all the time. If you’re an extrovert you might be reading this post with a look on your face that reflects some confusion. But I bet if you’re introverted you feel the sapping of your energy in much the same way.
On the other hand, we as introverted and depressed people need to distinctly recognize when those feelings cross the line of safety.
We must have a plan in place when we’re secluding ourselves.
♦ Are you able to recognize this line within yourself? If not, maybe you could date and journal (or blog) how you feel so you can go back and reflect on these times?
♦ Who are you going to reach out to? It might be wise to have that list of at least three people in case the first two cannot talk for some reason.
♦ How will you communicate a need to be alone safely to your network? You will probably need to reassure them. I tell or text my friends that I need some alone time and that I’m not feeling suicidal. Fortunately, as I’ve said before, they understand and trust this need I have.
Do you have a part of your (crisis) plan you would share with readers? Would you share this post with others whom it may help?
Thank you for your support and friendship on my journey. It is a true blessing.