Why are You causing me to suffer, Lord?
Several years ago the above quotation wouldn’t have made sense to me. In fact, it would have made me angry, disgusted, and resentful. I remember some specific situations…
♦ When I found out my brother broke his neck and was going to be fully paralized
♦ When I decided to end my marriage
♦ When I totaled my truck and was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol (NOTE: No one was hurt. Yes, I made a stupid choice.)
How the heck could these situations be for my good?
How could they be in my best interest?
How could a God who loves me let these things happen?
Why the heck would He allow it? Especially to one of His own children?
I didn’t get it.
Answers and Understanding –
Now for the most part, I have a different frame of mind. Bear with me…
♦ Why did He let my brother break his neck? To be honest, I’m still trying to figure this out and it may be something that I never do understand. My brother can probably answer why but let me answer it as it fits in to the above quote.
“The outcome will be for His glory.” My brother is a walking example of the Lord’s power to heal. My brother was not supposed to have any function in any of his limbs. Broken at the C4 vertebrae, he was diagnosed as being a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. He was a devout Christian prior to his accident. Now he is a walking testimony for the Lord’s power to heal. Just like He did when He healed the physically broken and diseased, or raised the dead.
♦ Why did He let my marriage end? The marriage had turned toxic. Maybe we were never supposed to marry in the first place. Whatever the reason, I have changed for the better in some big areas. Self- improvement is a continual process and I have a looooooong way to go. I am far from perfect, but I have made some profound improvements in several areas in my life-
♥ I have become more patient. Still working on this on I-64.
♥ I have become more empathetic towards others.
♥ I am able to be softer and kinder towards others.
♥ I am growing in a healthy relationship with my daughter, unfettered by the chaos of a struggling relationship.
The marriage was ended for my good. Was it the most harrowing and torturous experience I have been through? Yes. Would I do it again? No. Do I wish this on my worst enemy? No way.
♦ Why did He allow a DUI into my life? Let me just re-emphasize that this situation happened because of an immature decision I made. I honestly don’t believe the Lord planned for me to blow a 2.0 at the scene of the accident after jackknifing a light pole and running into the fence of a military base.
Like the situation in Job, I don’t believe the Lord caused it. I believe Satan did, and when he approached the Lord, begging Him to let Job be attacked the Lord allowed it to happen. Satan wanted to mess with me and wreak havoc on my life. I believe the Lord let it happen because He knew I needed to be corrected.
Because of my growing Faith it has been easier to try to search for the greater meaning in my trials and my valleys. Is it so very hard at times? Absolutely. Am I happy through the rough stuff? No. Am I thankful for the lessons I have learned? Certainly.
Ultimately, I have come to see that there are two reasons for why the Lord allows or causes things to happen – to perfect, or to correct.
When I suffer through my trials with Specter and suicide, I just think that I’m being strengthened for something bigger though I have NO idea what the heck it is.
I do know that He’s given me a calmness and peace to put my experiences out there for others to read about. Certainly not for my glory – there is no fame or wealth here. But once in a while a comment will come through with a thanks, or “I really needed to here that right now.”
I thank Him for giving me the strength and courage to write about my mental condition.
The credit is given for His glory.