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Category Archives: Hopelessness

The Wall | [POETRY]


Image of a wall with poetry by the author.

The Wall

A little brick of hate was laid, down into the dirt.

Along with words of callousness, and spite, and wrath, and hurt.

A wall was built that housed mistrust, by someone I loved dear.

It grew in strength, brick by brick, each year it grew in fear.

All I could do was sit and cry, and beg that it’d come down.

But each day mortar, stone, and hate, solidified it with the ground.

I saw the light begin to fade, as it closed against the sky.

I hung my head in deep despair, in hopelessness I cried.

Then one day a dove appeared, against the blackened grey.

It chipped the joints, and broke the bricks, and toppled them away.

It pecked, and chipped, and split the wall, stone by simple stone.

For love and peace had reached a soul, that never the soul had known.

And now a garden there exists, in place of deep despair.

No brokenness, no sadness, no signs of disrepair.

For what was once a wall they made, was used to shut me out.

Love had now transformed through healing, and brought the rampart down.

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“Brother”, Need to Breathe [VIDEO]



If you’ve been following for awhile, you know that I’m a metal head and love bands like 5FDP, Bullet for My Valentine, Black Veil Brides, etc.

But this song is beautiful. It’s my new song of hope. I pray that it lifts someone up tonight.

🙂 Chris

“Brother”

Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
Get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am strong, but
It’s your love that brings me home

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

And when you call and need me near
Sayin’ where’d you go?
Brother I’m right here
And on those days when the sky begins to fall
You’re the blood of my blood
We can get through it all

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re feelin’ low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home


 

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To The “Motherless” [VIDEO, LYRICS]


I have a friend – no an Angel – who is struggling with an extreme emotional pain today. She is in a fractured, broken relationship with her mother. This song is for her.

She is my Angel because she took the noose off my neck when I had hanged myself.

I know she would want this song to be dedicated to all the hurting mothers and daughters. She’s just that kind of lady.

“Right Beside You”

I’ve seen it and felt it
Hopelessness with no lifeline
The wicked are feeding on
Innocence and our decline

You and I we are the same
Torn apart by different things
All our faith is barely alive
But we’re going to make it through the night
I want you to know

When the world is on your back
And you think that you will never last
When you’re lonely and you are confused
I’ll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
And you think you’d rather sink than swim
When you think there’s nothing left for you to lose
I’ll be right beside you
I’ll be with you

We are precious
More than priceless is our worth
Loved by the Father
Heaven’s children here on earth
You and I we are the same
Lifted up above the pain
By it’s wounds we have been healed
And by our love it is revealed
I want you to know (I need you to know)

When the world is on your back
And you think that you will never last
When you’re lonely and you are confused
I’ll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
And you think you’d rather sink than swim
When there’s nothing left for you to lose
I’ll be right beside you

Hold on, don’t you let go of me
I’ll be here through it all
Hold on, when you’re ready to fall
I will carry you
I will never leave you
I will lift you if you fall

When the world is on your back
And you think that you will never last
When you’re lonely and you are confused
I’ll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
And you think you’d rather sink than swim
When there’s nothing left for you to lose
I’ll be right beside you
I’ll be with you
I’ll be right beside you

 

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Lord, why the heck are You doing to me? [Devotional]



devotional_our situation in life_001

Why are You causing me to suffer, Lord?

Several years ago the above quotation wouldn’t have made sense to me. In fact, it would have made me angry, disgusted, and resentful. I remember some specific situations…

♦  When I found out my brother broke his neck and was going to be fully paralized

♦  When I decided to end my marriage

♦  When I totaled my truck and was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol (NOTE: No one was hurt. Yes, I made a stupid choice.)

How the heck could these situations be for my good?

How could they be in my best interest?

How could a God who loves me let these things happen?

Why the heck would He allow it? Especially to one of His own children?

I didn’t get it.

Answers and Understanding – 

Now for the most part, I have a different frame of mind. Bear with me…

♦  Why did He let my brother break his neck? To be honest, I’m still trying to figure this out and it may be something that I never do understand. My brother can probably answer why but let me answer it as it fits in to the above quote.

“The outcome will be for His glory.” My brother is a walking example of the Lord’s power to heal. My brother was not supposed to have any function in any of his limbs. Broken at the C4 vertebrae, he was diagnosed as being a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. He was a devout Christian prior to his accident. Now he is a walking testimony for the Lord’s power to heal. Just like He did when He healed the physically broken and diseased, or raised the dead.

♦  Why did He let my marriage end? The marriage had turned toxic. Maybe we were never supposed to marry in the first place. Whatever the reason, I have changed for the better in some big areas. Self- improvement is a continual process and I have a looooooong way to go. I am far from perfect, but I have made some profound improvements in several areas in my life-

♥  I have become more patient. Still working on this on I-64.

♥  I have become more empathetic towards others.

♥  I am able to be softer and kinder towards others. 

♥  I am growing in a healthy relationship with my daughter, unfettered by the chaos of a struggling relationship.

The marriage was ended for my good. Was it the most harrowing and torturous experience I have been through? Yes. Would I do it again? No. Do I wish this on my worst enemy? No way.

♦  Why did He allow a DUI into my life? Let me just re-emphasize that this situation happened because of an immature decision I made. I honestly don’t believe the Lord planned for me to blow a 2.0 at the scene of the accident after jackknifing a light pole and running into the fence of a military base.

Like the situation in Job, I don’t believe the Lord caused it. I believe Satan did, and when he approached the Lord, begging Him to let Job be attacked the Lord allowed it to happen. Satan wanted to mess with me and wreak havoc on my life. I believe the Lord let it happen because He knew I needed to be corrected.

In closing…

Because of my growing Faith it has been easier to try to search for the greater meaning in my trials and my valleys. Is it so very hard at times? Absolutely. Am I happy through the rough stuff? No. Am I thankful for the lessons I have learned? Certainly.

Ultimately, I have come to see that there are two reasons for why the Lord allows or causes things to happen – to perfect, or to correct.

When I suffer through my trials with Specter and suicide, I just think that I’m being strengthened for something bigger though I have NO idea what the heck it is.

I do know that He’s given me a calmness and peace to put my experiences out there for others to read about. Certainly not for my glory – there is no fame or wealth here. But once in a while a comment will come through with a thanks, or “I really needed to here that right now.”

I thank Him for giving me the strength and courage to write about my mental condition.

The credit is given for His glory.


 

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