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Category Archives: Anger

Hopelessness | [POETRY]


poetry_hopelessness_001

Hopelessness

He felt such hopelessness in life, all he could do was jump.

She felt such disassociation, all she could do was cut.

Reality was harsher, than this living hell,

they lived inside their heads. No one could ever tell.

The night harpies of terror, claw her hair each night

When she pulls the covers up around her, shaking from the fright.

The flashbacks and the memories, of her broken bones

Break her hope and will to live, she wants to just be gone.

Away from all the pain, the hurt, the emptiness.

He tries to run, he tries to end the dread,

of living in a quagmire, he tries to choke it from his head.

Wishing it was just a shell that he could peel away and shed.

See, you’re not alone in this, no you’ll never be.

There’s just too much that’s going on for you to ever see,

that others survive, through the same unending pain.

Come in, we’ll hold you dear, we’ll help you feel again.

 

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Right here, right now, say something to the person who has hurt you the most, beginning with, “I promise to…”


I was recently humbled with another gracious nomination for the Liebster Award.

In it I made a hard proposition to the people whom I nominated –

“Right here, right now, say something to the person who has hurt you the most, beginning with, “I promise to…”

The purpose of my post today is to take that challenge myself and answer the same question. I’d then like to send my answer to each of the people I nominated.

You ready?

I think the person whom I would most likely respond to is my (soon-to-be) ex-wife. For the purposes of this post, and future posts, I’ll call her “E” (for “E”x-wife). Now understand I have a whole (paper) journal dedicated to this subject – a vehicle that allows me to express, process, and move forward. divorce_journal_001
While this is still a sore subject for me because she hasn’t signed the papers, I think my answer to this prompt would be something along the lines of this…

“I promise to…

wpid-20150720_172322_20150720174648973.jpg

♦   …forgive you for the emotional trauma you’ve caused me.” This process is going to take a while. It’s been 2 years since I left for the second time, and after an unsuccessful reconciliation.

This is most certainly the hardest part of my travels down this road. It’s also the most significant – this is required as my starting point. A part of extending this forgiveness is that I also need to ask for forgiveness.

I’ve caused tremendous hurt towards her with my words and actions. Things I can’t take back. Things that she will probably remember for the rest of her life.

I said things out of retribution for my hurt.

Out of disgust and malice…a very deep red malice. Not just out of anger, but out of a deep, sickening, black hatred.

I’ve had a hard time letting these feelings go and have been at odds with my faith because my Lord wants me to live a life in accordance with His will.

The things I’ve done have not been in alignment with His will.

          He extends forgiveness to me on a daily basis. I need to get to a point where I can do the same towards others. With the Holy Spirit’s help, I will.

♦   …let go of my anger towards you.” Over time, I’ve been able to do this. Sometimes it flares up at unexpected times and sometimes there are triggers. It has taken a lot of time and separation from the situation to be able to work on letting go of the intense anger I had. It’s similar to taking the boiling pot off the burner.

Not turning down the heat, removing it from the heat.

My personality is anger-based so this has been a double challenge.

I was so angry when I ended things a second time that I wrote the most cruel and heart-piercing things I could think of on our pictures. I threw our wedding album and honeymoon scrapbook in the dumpster and sent her a picture in a text saying, “Trash gets picked up on Wednesday.” I ripped pictures in half and I Sharpied her face out of all of them.

divorce_004b

divorce_001adivorce_005b

About a week later I gathered everything related to her and crammed them into a metal pail.

I poured lighter fluid on them.

And burned them.

This was the picture I sent her.

divorce_004a

About a week after that I was served with an emergency protective order because of the angry texts I was sending to her. I got the point and it actually helped put a halt to my anger, and allowed me to work on letting things go.

I’ll wrap up this section with the following quote…

Buddha quote,

♦   …extend grace.” Life happens and things go awry. Are those moments intense and emotional in the moment? Absolutely. Do they matter in the grand scheme of things? Sometimes. I’ve learned that a war is comprised of a series of battles. Some of those battles you lose in order to win the warthe really big objective you want to achieve. Grace is that undeserved understanding and mercy, understanding, and sympathy that will allow me to traverse the obstacles I face.

During these times of tension I will try my best to extend grace, because it was extended to me.

Of course this is not ALL I have to work on, but it is a solid beginning.

Baby steps, young Padawan…

Baby steps.

Thank you all for taking your time to read this post. My call to action is that you take the same challenge and also use it as a blog post. If you do, would you also link it back to surviving the specter so I can read and comment?

 

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So Let’s Talk About This Little Anger Thang


enneagram_003

Hi, I’m Chris. And I have an anger-based personality.

I’m also Irish……and German……and have sleep apnea. This is clearly a cultural powder keg laced with tiredness/exaustion/irritablility, just waiting to explode. Sometimes I just have to smh.

I don’t think I’m the extremely irate kind of angry, punch-your-fist-through-the-driver-side-car-window-kinda-angry like Sensai Kreese. I don’t think I have an anger problem. But I do think I need to have a post about it because it’s the basis for my personality. Yeah, that’s grand.

In this post I’m going to talk about what I’ve learned about my angerishlishness from the Enneagram.

quote saying, "I have learned through bitter experience the one supreme lesson:  to conserve my anger,  and as heat conserved is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmitted into a power which can move the world.  -Mohandas K. Gandhi"

Type One: The Reformer

That right there? That’s where I fall in the Enneagram – The Reformer. I won’t go into what makes us what we are but here’s a little diagram to peak your interest-

Symbol_Names of the Enneagram

Nine Personality Types of the Enneagram

So I’ve used this tool to study my personality. If you’re interested, you can visit the site to take an online quiz that will help you learn more about your personality. You can even subscribe to get daily Enneathoughts sent to your inbox, like the one at the beginning of this post. If you’re interested, I explored my anger in another post where I wrote about the connection between my dad and I.

Chapter 7 of Riso’s and Hudson’s book, The Wisdom of the Enneagram is dedicated to my type.

Here’s what the book says about anger- 

1.   Healthy anger – Anger in itself, is not a bad thing. It’s a natural reaction to the things that arise around us that we do not like or want in our lives.

2.   Hanging on to anger – When we hang on to anger it manifests itself in increasingly obsessive thinking, emotional constriction, and physical tension.

3.   Talking about anger – Talking openly about our anger with others can be a healing process – a positive step in learning to process resentments.

4.   Denying anger – Ones often deny their anger through clenched teeth because the superego (our inner critic) prohibits us from being too emotional. “To be angry is to be out of control, to be less than perfect…”

5.   Directing anger – Anger is directed at ourselves for failing to live up to our ideals, “and at others for what Ones see as their laziness and irresponsibility. As Ones become more [emotionally] unhealthy, the displace more of their anger onto others…”

6.   Anger awareness – Ones are not always aware of their anger.

7.   The blame game – When we’re angry, we blame – ourselves and others.

8.   The anger police – Anger causes us to police ourselves so no one else will; punish ourselves so no one else will.

9.   Expressing our anger – Anger is harder to see in the One than in any other personality type. We tend to express anger in-Buddha quote,

♦   stiffness

♦   rigidness

♦   impatience

♦   frustration

♦   sarcasm

♦   criticality

♦   irritability

♦   resentment

10.  The word on chaos – When things seem unorganized and uncontrolled, we become tense and serious, and focus on what is wrong with things.

11.   Self righteousness – Because we are introverts and feel like we have something to teach those around us (many teachers are type Ones) they may see us as pompous and in turn, resist our help. This frustrates us.

12.   Over doing it – We become irritated because (even though others are trying their best) we see others’ efforts as insufficient. We feel that we must work overtime to make up for other peoples’ laziness and sloppiness.

13.  Boxing ourselves – We beat ourselves up constantly because we are trying to achieve an impossible ideal that our superego sets for us.

14.  Criticism – We are highly sensitive to criticism. We criticize ourselves SO much, that it is near impossible when we receive it from someone else. No matter how gentle or passive it is.

15.  Anger and our body – We hold a lot of our anger in our bodies. For me, it is in my hands. When I am writing, journaling, or drawing I clench the pen or pencil so tight that my hands shake and everything looks shaky and slovenly.

SOURCE: The Wisdom of the Enneagram – The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types. Riso and Hudson, Bantam Books, 1999.

Anger - it's one letter short of danger.

Anger – it’s one letter short of danger.

What I’ve learned-

Grace – We need to be able to give ourselves grace. I mention it to folks in their Comments section and in phone calls – it’s a big deal to me. I remind myself to accept it from myself as much as I can.

Type Ones are the largest of all self critics. Learning to give myself God’s grace and love has done wonders for me in accepting who I am. It has been a game changer. If we could all take His love for us and, instead of criticizing ourselves, see ourselves through his eyes, there would probably be less anger in this world.

We’re not perfect. We’re going to screw up. Grace helps us live through those times.

GRACE acrostic - God's Riches At Christ's Expense

Patience – I have gotten a lot better at this over the years. I think it happens with age. You learn not to sweat the small stuff like you read in that book in middle school. You learn that things aren’t as big as they seem. You live to see that the world ain’t gonna stop turning just because you’re ten minutes late to your doctor’s appointment.

And you’ll probably learn that a lot of people will give you grace and extend empathy to you because they’ve been there before.

You’d be the first person to be patient with someone else. Learn to be patient with yourself, friend.

Relationship – Yes, I used the singular. Does it help to talk out your anger to someone? I think so. Did I used to? Nope. Whether it’s your therapist, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your pastor, a neighbor, or the person who took the noose off your neck, I believe it helps to have just one solid person that can be your confidant…your sounding board…someone who really knows who you are.

You don’t need a lot. You just need one.

Focus – I need to redirect and focus my anger appropriately. I’ve calmed down a lot since I’ve gotten out of the Marine Corps – duh! – but it’s still there simmering under the surface. You know – that dude that cuts you off on the interstate, the person going the speed limit in the left lane (applies to U.S.-based readers), the screaming kid in the grocery store.

I really don’t know the point that I want to make here. I don’t know where to focus my anger. What does that mean? Put it in a bottle? Lock it in a closet? Aim it at someone? I guess it’s like the Samurais – kill during the day, garden and calligraphy at night.

Yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on this one.

Walk away – My temper can flare like an angry Arkansas hog going after some tater tots and grits. I need to chill. I need to slow my roll when times is rough and the pressure cooker of life is getting ready to burst.

I need to take my foot off the gas instead of speeding up and tailgating, shouting in some ancient dialect that was used in the Exorcist (that was Sumerian for my history buffs).

I need to pray.

In fact, instead of walking away, I need to walk the other way before I even enter a potential pit of vipers.

Exercise – I haven’t done it in a long time. I need to get my lazy donk up and start getting active.

Eating – Lately I’ve been eating like a college bachelor. With the sugar crashes and the junk food fixes, this is another area I need to tighten up.

Thank you for taking your time to read this post, my friend. How have you lived with anger and how do you deal with it? Would you mind sharing your thoughts in the Comments section?

 
 

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dANGER


Anger is one letter short of danger.

Image showing puzzle pieces falling apart with the word dANGER and phrase saying, "it's one letter short."

Anger. It’s one letter short of danger.

 

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The List [POETRY]


This is for the brotherhood and sisterhood of US…those who have been bullied. Let’s befriend those who don’t have someone to turn to.

Background image of notebook with poem transcribed in the foreground.

I knew a boy, who made a list

Of all the wrongs that were done

Of those who broke his soul and will

Of those whose time had come

 

But you noticed him today and said

Hello, my name is friend

Will you be mine and hear my hurt

I’m sure we’ll help each other mend

 

And that boy, his list he took and burned

Because you noticed him, in all his perfect pain

He healed and bloomed because of you my friend

His life was never the same

 

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Primal Rage [POETRY]


poetry_game over _001

 
 

I’m an A**hole.



“Maybe if you weren’t an asshole to everybody in [daughter’s name]’s life I wouldn’t have a problem contacting you.”

That’s the text I got today after I told my stepdaughter it’s her responsibility to provide her new address so I can pick my daughter up for visitation. I went to three different and incorrect addresses before she texted me the correct one.

I was pissed. Read the rest of this entry »

 
7 Comments

Posted by on 05/02/2015 in Anger, Depression

 

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