Tag Archives: mental illness
Meds Update & More Pics of ‘Nessa #depression

I went to see my doc today about my meds. He had me on 40mg of Lexapro and 15mg of Abilify. Since the side effects have remained the same (apathy, disinterest in life, etc.) he upped the Abilify to 20mg for the next four weeks. He said that if that change doesn’t help, then he would switch out the Abilify for something else. Read the rest of this entry »
What Does Surviving the Specter Look Like?

If you could see me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell what surviving means.
Unless you had it.
A.k.a. depression. Read the rest of this entry »
Me and My Pharma Cocktail Took a Little Trip
I took a trip I haven’t taken in a while.
It was three hours, from Virginia to North Carolina.
To see my dad.
It meant the world to him and he was grateful and happy.
Regardless of the short distance between us, we haven’t spent much time visiting with each other. The last time I saw him was two years ago in the hospital after my suicide attempt.
I think this weekend I learned what it means, not to be a dad.
But to be a son.
Nursery Rhyme | [Poem]
Trigger Warning: This poem is about self harm. Please do not read it if this is a trigger. [UPDATED] Though I do not struggle with self harm, several of the close people in my life do, and so I wanted their words to be heard and felt here. These words put into poetic form, are from the discussions and talks I’ve had with those people.
Cut this line upon my skin
So I can feel what a pain I’ve been
Burn this flame upon my flesh
So I can control this life a mess
Drill this hole into my thigh
To take away the numb, make me feel alive
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord nobody weeps
Drawing Mental Illness | [Video]
I came across the video below about artist Shawn Coss who decided to draw one mental health illness each day for the month of October. I contacted Shawn and asked him for permission to post some of his work on my blog and he was kind enough to agree.
Also, check out this excellent article about Shawn on The Mighty here – https://themighty.com/2016/10/shawn-coss-creates-creepy-drawings-of-mental-illnesses-for-inktober/
You can order prints of Shawn’s artwork at the link here – https://any-means-necessary-clothing.myshopify.com/collections/inktober-illness-2016/products/inktober-illnesses-11×17-print
Be sure to support him by liking his Facebook page and checking out his YouTube videos.
Toxicity | [Poetry]
Toxicity
My soul has left and with it,
The Albums and the Tags.
The memories put in boxes,
And thrown out in the trash.
Windows boarded,
curtains down,
paint chips fall onto the ground.
A weathered waste, at the end of town.
I pack up and I leave.
Today I Created a Fb Page…
So I took the plunge and published a Facebook page, “Surviving the Specter”. I want to reach more people so they know they are not alone in their struggles…that there are others out there going through the same things.
My WP blogs will be pushed out through this page as well as at my Twitter handle – #sts91414. I figured my handle would be easy to remember since it’s the first letter of each of the words in my blog’s title, as well as the date I attempted suicide.
I plan on publishing the story of the night I took my life next month, September, which is Suicide Awareness Month in the U.S. If you haven’t read it may you could stop by and give it a read and leave some thoughts.
Thank you friends, for your support through words, comments, calls, and email subscriptions, and Follows. I appreciate it more than you know.
Chris
My Depression Controls Me
Unfortunately, I can empathize with you, my friend.
For my depression controls me, too.
It is not a passing state of mind, nor a feeling.
It is something we survive through every day.
Sometimes, on certain days, it’s not as intense.
But it is always there.
A lot of people may never guess because I try to hide it.
I hide it by staying to myself.
And by pretending like I am concentrating and hard at work.
I am introverted…
…because I don’t want to pull other people down with me.
If my friends didn’t invite me to do things with them…
…I would constantly isolate.
A lot of the times I say “no” anyways because I am “busy”.
I know I am not alone, but a lot of the time it feels that way.
It ruins my intimate relationships.
It makes me run away from those who love me.
This depression sucks the happy out of me.
Even on sunny, beautiful days, all I can see is gray.
I sleep – a lot. Because depression numbs me.
I get frustrated with myself all the time because of how things are.
I don’t want it to be this way, but it just is.
This Depression Thing
The whole issue with this depression thing – it has sucked all life out of me like some soul harvester.
This past year has been one of the most relentless struggles I’ve had to endure. It gets worse each day I aimlessly trudge through my daily dosage of hours like a walker. And I don’t see an end in sight.
I feel like I stare at an hourglass in front of me. Glossy-eyed and lost faced, watching each grain of sand tumble through the bottleneck , building up the mountain in the chamber below that represents time passed.
The sand falls in slow motion.
Maybe you can relate?
I don’t see the sunshine. I’ve had this gray film over my life. It is a sunny, bright, 82º outside my Norfolk, VA apartment. I can’t see it. I don’t feel the warmth in my soul. I keep all the blinds shut. It’s not the kind of depression where you can simply open the blinds and the gray is gone. That doesn’t work. Our friends will suggest it…to open the shades and let the sunshine in. But those who don’t live with it can’t ever understand that just doesn’t work. It’s a fog of war. It stays.It permeates the skin and sinks down to the core. It’s a wave that has to be ridden.
I’ve been riding the crashing part of the barrel for months.
I have no drive. It’s really hard to continue when you feel so hopelessly apathetic. I get so sick of looking at the hourglass and longing for sleep. If I feel inspired to do something I change to something else before I finish what I started. So many things left unfinished. I wander back and forth in my apartment sometimes feeling that I’m going crazy. Most people that don’t live with this affliction would quickly suggest to exercise. All the other articles and advice out there scream that, but how can you bring yourself to that if you can’t even walk across the street to the beach on such an ideal day?
I’m numb and I don’t feel happiness. I don’t feel the happiness that other people feel when it’s sunny out. I should. I want to feel it. I want to feel “normal”. I want the chemicals in my body to react like that. I don’t want to be numb anymore. Catatonic. Zombie-ish. I’m trying to blog it out because journaling is supposed to be the best form of therapy for depression. It hardly is for me. It’s not cathartic. I’ve had an impossible time dragging myself to type this post and hardly feel any form of relief or healing from doing so. Getting a buzz from drinking (exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing, I know) used to give me a tinge of happiness. Now, that doesn’t even work. I’ve lost all interest in all things: writing, drinking, walking on the beach, reading, drawing, sex, photography, being a dad, friendships. I’ve thought a lot about dying. Not being suicidal, but just as a quiet way to end the mind numbing hourglass watching.
I fail at relationship. I isolate. I drive people away. I drive myself away from people. I isolate myself from those who love and care about me. It makes me drive those away who love me.
I’ve lost a foothold in my faith. I used to find peace when I read the Word and prayed early in the morning. That has been sucked away too. I don’t have the same happiness that I see on other believers’ faces, like when I used to go to church. I want that simple happiness of just waking up and being happy. I know they have their own problems, and sometimes that smile is just plastered on, but I just want to feel the Spirit move me to happiness.
* * *
How does your depression make you feel?
Maybe all this strikes a cord. If it does, please remember: you certainly are not alone.
When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide? | [REBLOG]
![When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide? | [REBLOG] When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide? | [REBLOG]](https://survivingthespecter.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/storm_001.jpg?w=150)
I’ve been Tweeting with a friend whose site is based on raising suicide awareness, especially for those who need answers to “why?”. I wrote this some time ago and am hoping it helps a little in the way of explaining my personal experience.
NOTE: Dear reader, this post talks openly about suicide. If this is a trigger, please do not read it at this time. Thank you. May peace come to you in your valley.
I attempted suicide on 9/14/14.
I had been on the noose for about 45 minutes.
I am fortunate. I had friends that saved me.
I hope that my words may provide some closure for those that may still be seeking answers. A small bit of understanding to answer the question, “Why?” My family and friends are fortunate because I am able to answer those questions for. I am fortunate to be alive and explain it to them.
************************************************************************************
“It’s the easy way out.”Psh! Friend if you’re that deep, it’s the ONLY way out.
“He just wanted attention.” I wanted peace.
“He was so selfish.” I wasn’t thinking of anybody.
So when does it all become too much to…
View original post 622 more words
Killing Myself | Part 2

*TW
Hello my little failure, we’ve been waiting for your return
We know our pressure’s way too much, we know for what you yearn
A little song of sweet respite, to whet your pathetic appetite
We promise to close the lid real tight, and flood our darkness in to your light
* * *
I made a drink of 100 proof, my razor blade of choice
To drown out demon voices, to cut their endless noise
I mixed it full with anger, and hurt, and hopelessness
I drank it quick, I drank it fast, I drank it with relentlessness
* * *
Callous words are spoken, when we all need love the most
I needed grace, I needed kindness, and to vent without recourse
Maybe one day we’ll be able, to cast aside our pride
And give the tenderness we need, and put ourselves aside
So Here’s Some Cool Train Track Pics I Took For You | [PHOTOS]
Hello and Happy Memorial Day. One thing I love aside from taking pictures at the beach, is taking pictures of train tracks. They entrance and mystify me somehow. I wanted to share them with you. Please feel free to use them and kindly link back to this blog so I can see how you incorporated them into your work.
Enjoy and thank you all for your support and readership!
Living with a Depressed Male | [Chapter Summary]
Depression jacks up my relationships. Intimate or non-intimate.
I’m not pawning my behaviors off on depression.
Just explaining where they come from.
To improve myself, I must understand myself.
And I’ve found a lot of my answers in “Living with a Depressed Male”, Chapter 14
of Unmasking Male Depression, by Dr. Archibald D. Hart.
Having struggled with depression, not knowing this information led me to feel “crazy”, something a lot of us who survive with mental illness feel. Every. Single. Day.
Though chapter 14 is “primarily for wives” (p. 225), it really helped me understand myself a lot more.
I’d like to unpack it for you.
NOTE: Dr. Hart is a man of Faith but you don’t have to believe for the majority of this information to “make sense”.
* * *
I like bullets.
So does my A.D.D.erall.
So instead of summarizing his points in paragraph form I’m presenting them as bullets with page references. My hope is for you to take something away from this and relay it to others.
Here are the points that helped me understand how depression impacts me as a male.
“The Best Things You Can Say to the Depressed Man in Your Life” (p. 231)
- “I love you and always will because you are important to me.”
- “I can’t really feel what you are feeling, but I want to understand.”
- “The best I can offer you right now is to be your friend.”
- “You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel, because I know you can’t really control it.”
- “You are not alone in this; I will stay by you until it’s over.”
- “This won’t last forever, and when it’s over we’ll sing God’s praises together.”
- “God isn’t causing this. He wants to help you bear it.”
- “Some of God’s greatest servants have also suffered from depression – and God helped them through it.”
“The Worst Things You Can Say to the Depressed Main in Your Life” (p. 235)
- “Get your life together; you are a man and can control yourself if you try.”
- “God isn’t pleased with your life at the moment. Maybe you have unforgiven sin.”
- “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just try a little harder.”
- “I don’t know how much more of this I can take. You are driving my crazy.”
- “Remember that there are many people in this world who are worse off than you.”
- “I’m beginning to think that it was a mistake for me to marry [be in a relationship with] you.”
- “You should stop seeing those quacks and taking those pills because they’re changing your brain.”
- “Believe me, I know how you feel because I was depressed once and I didn’t make a meal of it.”
Men are a problem to women but rarely is this intentional. They are to an even greater degree a problem to themselves.
-Steve Biddulph
(p. 225)
How Depression Effects Men & Makes Them Act
- Depressed men frustrate and alienate those they love the most. (p. 226)
- Depressed men become monosyllabic, self-absorbed, disinterested in almost everything, and very irritable. (p. 226)
- Your loved one has not chosen to be depressed. If he could, he would gladly give it up. (p. 227)
- …depression saps energy and diminishes self-esteem, and it will make your loved one feel worthless and unwanted. Guilt hangs … over every depressed man’s life, and thoughts of dying are very common. (p. 227)
- …you can …count on there being a major communication problem. Depression shuts down our need to connect and incapacitates our socializing skills. (p. 227)
- Depressed people become very sensitive to even the slightest rejection and jump to all sorts of negative conclusions and self-blame. (p. 228)
- Don’t give advice…Men want reassurance that all will be right again. They also want reassurance that you love them and won’t abandon them at this dark moment in their lives. (p. 229)
- Men express their depressions differently, and this difference revolves around irritability and aggression… (p. 230)
- Let’s make no mistake about it: men don’t become “nicer” when they are depressed; they often become nastier. If they were mildly irritable before the depression, they become grossly irritable after. They can’t necessarily help it, as it is a by-product of the depression. Depression robs you of all control and turns you into a prickly time bomb. (p. 230)
Caves (e.g., retreating)
- Caves are bad for depressed men. The problem is the cave’s effect on rumination. The so-called cave experience is deadly to depression because it offers a lot of time for rumination, and rumination feeds the depression just like logs feed the fire. (p. 233)
- The cave has a soothing effect on men who are depressed, which is why they seek it. But here the soothing feeds feelings of dejection rather than providing a time for escape. Distractions are good. Retreating to solitary confinement isn’t. Depressed men need to be taken out of themselves, not allowed to retreat into themselves where they shut the cave entrance with a big boulder… (p. 234)
So…do you have a depressed male in your life? What has made sense to you here? What do you not agree with? What are your experiences? Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
SOURCE: The words contained in this post are largely the intellectual property of Archibald D. Hart from Chapter 14 of his book, Unmasking Male Depression.
There’s This At Work…

My daughter helped me design this board at work.
I was prejudiced.
I prejudged.
I didn’t think that an office of 400+ onsite/offsite employees would support this.
I didn’t think a firm of 10,000+ employees worldwide would support this.
No, endorse this. Embrace this with such open arms.
This month of #mentalhealthawareness.
A good friend of mine (who I’m talking into guest blogging in the near future) organized the activities that make up this month’s Mental Health Awareness Campaign at our firm’s local office.
When she first started out, her goal was to raise $400 by having folks donate money towards the senior leader they wanted to “get pied” for charity. The leader with the most votes/money towards their name will get pied, while the leader with the least “votes” will get to do the “pie-ing”.
She surpassed that goal and employees have donated a little more than $600.00. She had to set a higher goal of $1000.00.
I work at a really wonderful firm.
I am fortunate.
I am blessed.
And I am thankful.
An Update About My TMS Consultation
Last Friday, the 13th, I wrote about exploring the area of TMS – Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation – as a therapy (wish I could type “solution” there) for my depression…my mind that won’t light up.
This past Tuesday I had my consultation and while I am a candidate for the treatment (sirrrrrPRISE, SIIIIIIIRprise) my first important piece of information is that the therapy isn’t covered by my insurance. In fact, the regional manager told me, my insurance was the only one that didn’t cover it. He went on to explain that my insurance currently has a lawsuit against them for not covering the program.
Out of pocket the program will cost $7800.00. Ain’t nobody got pockets that deep, yo! But even then, I would totally go on a payment plan, it’s just these other payment plans I’m on are going to prevent that.
The good news is that there is still a chance my insurance may change its mind when the policy is reviewed at the end of this month.
I’ll keep praying.
If you’re brain won’t light up and you are interested in more information. I’ve included some links here. You can also peruse “TMS” on YouTube.
Links for further reading:
TMS Neurohealth Centers
The Mayo Clinic
http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/home/ovc-20163795
Neurostar TMS Therapy
https://neurostar.com/neurostar-tms-depression-treatment/
wh atma y me an s2 m3

Being mentally ill with depression means that people may not always get me. I’ve come to accept that.
I’ve also come to accept that it’s okay.
A lot of the times I don’t even get myself.
A.
Lot.
I guess “understand” would be a more accurate word.
It’s like trying to explain to somebody what May means to me, except it comes out sounding like this post’s title looks.
They may never understand what it feels like. And I’m happy that they never will. I would wish this on no one.
There’s so many things I’ve never understood about myself for years, and have only begun to within the past 5-10 years of my life.
A list of un-understandables in my life has been:
I don’t understand why I feel sluggish all the time.
I don’t understand why laughing feels so forced.
I don’t understand why I want to be alone all the time.
I don’t understand why I don’t want to do things.
I don’t understand why I am always so tired.
I don’t understand why I see grey when it’s brightly sunny outside.
I don’t understand why at 42, I can still sleep until 1:30 on a Saturday afternoon.
I don’t understand why I set my alarm for 5:00 am and hit it until 6:00.
I don’t understand why I think of suicide.
I don’t understand why I pray to God to take me home in my sleep.
Over the years I have come to understand why though.
Depression.
A severe, deep-seated depression.
My Specter.
NOTE: This image is the original idea of Cass and her site at the above link. Check it out and give it a Like!
So for me, the new significance of May is about raising awareness of mental health. And in my case, severe depression and suicide. It’s about taking a chance, stepping out on a scary ledge, and talking about my mental condition to others.
Lessons Learned: Some Things I’ve Learned from My Depression
I would hope that you would take these things and hold them in your heart. Don’t forget them. Remind yourself of them. And learn from your mental condition.
A list of understandables in my life is:
- I have a condition, not an illness. I am not sub-human. I am not sick. I am an extraordinarily strong person because I survive through things other people can’t imagine having to deal with. I live my life a little differently than others because I live with affliction.
- I am perfectly imperfect, and that’s perfectly okay. I’ve learned to forgive myself and accept myself. I have a hard time believing the phrase, “I don’t let my mental condition define who I am.” I know what people mean, but I think in the end, depression has set some life parameters that I have to (or choose to) live by. If I don’t abide by those…rules, I start to hear Specter’s rusty cage hinges creak and I feel him scratching on the walls of my soul.
- What I feel is valid. I am not crazy. I may be a little broken. You may be a little bruised. But don’t you dare let anyone tell you you’re crazy. Don’t you dare let them make you feel that way. You. Are. Not. Crazy. Real talk.
- Only I will take care of myself. I must take my meds. Daily. I must eat healthy. I must exercise. Meh. I’m working on the last two. Have
- Strive to be empathetic and kind. You know why. You have struggles other people don’t know about. So do others. I remember a time my Lexapro had run out and I couldn’t afford a refill. I had been off it for about four days and I could feel the dizziness set in from withdrawals. Then the bottom fell out. Specter’s claws were dug so deep into my shoulders I could feel them carving at the bones. Someone put their hand on my shoulder and sat with me. I was in tears. I was choking my words out in a dark chair in a dim corner. He made a call to get me my medicine. That’s why.
- Be a servant when you can. Help others when they’re down. People have helped me when I’ve not deserved it. Free of charge. Pay it forward.
- Exude grace. Strive to give others the benefit of the doubt.
- Have grace on yourself. Learn to accept grace yourself. Be gentle on yourself. We beat ourselves up so much each day. Allow yourself forgiveness. See #2.
- People do understand – surround yourself with those people. There may not be too many. But you know what? That’s just about the right number anyways. Find your devout warrior supporters and cling to them. Share yourself with them. Open yourself up to them. It is empowering. It is healing.
- My God loves me. Me and God. Ahh, yes. For such a lifetime I’ve bashed myself for not measuring up. Engorging bucket fulls of self criticism, guilt, and shame for never feeling like I measured up. Never earning my dad’s approval, or my Father’s. All. Those. Years. And I got it wrong. His scars are enough to cover my soul. His Grace is the way to my healing. His forgiveness is the magnetic north to my moral compass. SOso many times I fail. Flat on my face. He’s always there to pick me up and hug me with a gentle, warm smile.
Now…Let’s take back our lives and make this our new fight song! This one’s for you Niki.
“Cry Thunder”
Time after time as we march side by side
Through the valleys of evil and the torturing souls,
Night after night, for the glory we fight,
In the kingdom of madness and the tales from the old
Death by our hands, for the higher command,
As the darkness surrounds us hear the cries as they fall
Fire burning steel and the tyrants will kneel
Hearts burning stronger with the power of the sword
Set sail for the glory,
Pray for the master of war (pray for the master of war)
Sunlight will fall by the wastelands,
Endless rise for the heroes before
Cry thunder!
Sword in his hand,
Titans of justice, fearless we stand
Cry thunder!
Strong in command
Blessed by the union, freedom of man
Reckoning day, for the demons we slay,
With the force of a dragon we will conquer them all!
Chaos still reigns devastation and flames
For the ultimate glory when the legacy calls
March on
Through the hellfire
Blazing for the darkness beyond (blazing for the darkness beyond)
Nightmare return of the thousands
Giving rise to the heroes once more
Cry thunder!
Sword in his hand,
Titans of justice, fearless we stand
Cry thunder!
Strong in command
Blessed by the union, freedom of man
[Solos]
Unholy darkness,
In the eyes of broken dreams,
Outside of the wasted and torn,
A land of tears still remains
Soldiers of destiny calling,
And the fallen will rise up again,
Conquer the forces of evil and fight to the end
Cry thunder!
Sword in his hand,
Titans of justice, fearless we stand
Cry thunder!
Strong in command,
Saviour of nations, freedom of man
Cry thunder!
Sword in his hand,
Warriors defending,
One final stand
Cry thunder!
Strong in command,
Blessed by the union, freedom of man
Blessed by the union of man
Cry thunder!
Yeah yeah
Keeping My Brother
[This is a re-post from earlier this month, with some minor edits.]
TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions various forms of self-harm. Please, my friend, do not read this if they are triggers for you.
My brother cuts…
…he also burns…
…and drills…
He has been living with me for a couple months now. He has no where else to go. He, his wife, and his family are going through the darkest valley they will probably ever go through.
There were things that were done that cannot be undone.
Read the rest of this entry »
I Want to See What You See | Poetry
Camera lens of happiness, to take away the grey
Cuz sunshine’s there, I see it, it’s just a million miles away.
Camera lens of hopefulness, to take away despair
The never ending fog of war, the loss of will to care.
Camera lens of energy, to take away the apathy
The never ending lethargy, the sits inside of me.
Camera lens of healing, to take away the pain
Cuz sunshine’s there, I know it, even through the rain
Me vs. Depression [Featured Blog]
It’s been a good amount of time since I’ve stumbled across a blog I really connected with. A blog where I truly enjoyed reading a lengthier-than-usual post for my short-spanned prefrontal cortex.
If you’re like me and survive with depression, you’ll appreciate J’s candid, real, & honest posts over at “Me vs. Depression”.
I’m always looking forward to the next one! You should peruse his blog and find out why.
https://jrockblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/drowning-pt-2-april-12-2016/
So What? [POETRY]
I would like to thank Natalie and Alexandra over at Joy with a Side of Sarcasm for their humbling rendition of “So whAt.”! What an awesome tribute using Vimeo. Thank you ladies. Please check out and follow their blog and leave a comment!
XXXXX Chris
Here is the link to the original post – So whAt. [Poetry]
<p><a href=”https://vimeo.com/161704664″>stravens_Salfi_MP2_Sound</a> from <a href=”https://vimeo.com/user47865027″>Alexandra</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a>.</p>
The Night I Killed Myself |Part 1?

TRIGGER WARNING – This post ideals with suicide. Please do not read it dear friend, if this is a trigger.Mom. Angels. I am safe. This is just a memoir because I know others have no choice but to survive through the same. You have supported me to talk about this curse, through God’s strength.
Regardless of how alone you feel at this very moment – YOU. ARE. NOT. Please reach out. We are here to support our brothers and sisters through this dark abyss. Through this Specter. You can read as much as I remember about my personal fight and that night of hopelessness from the end of the belt.

Image of poem with lyrics below, as well as an image of hand holding an empty bottle with pills emptied out on a wooden floor.
The Night I Killed Myself | Part 1?
Anger triggers, trigger pulls, Specter slashing me
Digging claws of hopelessness, broke on bended knee
Half pill, whole pill, crying on the floor
Throw it back, chase it down, hanging from the door
Laughing at the little thought, that I was trying to sleep
“You fool you’re trying to die tonight, you worthless, monstrous creep”
Sitting on the bedroom floor, belt around my neck
Pills on wood, two bottles gone, end without regret
The pain, the hopelessness, the ever growing rage
The beast had torn apart, his rusted , Lexapronic cage
“SHH-! Don’t say it. Don’t dare speak his name”
“He’ll hear you, and he’ll cut you, and brand you with his flame.”
I can’t take the monsters, that rape me every day
Taunting me to exit out, you know, the easy way
Ever since the middle school, I entered a layer of hell
I never made it out of there, the pain’s too much to tell
* * *
There’s this girl that stole my heart, she used to call me dad
A fool to think I was the hero, I knew she never had
Depression | [POETRY]
| depression
Driven to the hinterlands
driven to the gray
by the chemical reaction
of the chemicals I take
to balance the effects
of the chemicals I make
Pull Me [Poetry]
TRIGGER WARNING-This post deals with how I felt the night of my suicide attempt.
I hope you will scroll down and continue reading after the words, which I’ve typed out in text format.
Pull Me
I had a little trigger, that pushed me all the way
To hang myself upon my door, I couldn’t make it go away
I knocked it down with sleeping pills, and tucked it in with rum
The Specter slashed his razor claws, the round had slipped into the gun
I had a little trigger, that pulled itself real tight
I slipped the belt around my neck, I lost the will to fight
I cut it off with leather cinched, this time would be the last
I’d ever have to take again, the demons from my past
I had a little trigger, it jabbed me in my throat
To end the crap that smeared itself, across the lies it wrote
The failures, loss, resentment, of a thousand dreaded days
To suck out all the happiness, replaced it with the grey that stays
The trigger pulled, the hammer fell
The firing pin, that sealed my hell
Waiting while the light fades out
Extinguishing without a shout
Thank you if you are still reading.
My name is Chris, and on September 14th of 2014 I hanged myself.
I’ve been away for a while…pursuing a graduate certificate in eLearning.
But just mostly away…
Apathetic. I really can’t shake it.
I’ve been on a roll of laziness and sloth.
Driven to the hinterlands of the gray by the chemical reaction of the chemicals I take, to balance the effects of the chemicals I make.
I’m still in that chemical funk but wanted to force myself to write something in the interim. Thank you for my dear friends who have reached out to check on me. I am indebted to your caring, kindness.
X Chris
p.s. – in lieu of recent WP changes, would someone please let me know how we are to link back to previous posts?
Who Is Specter? | [REBLOG]
In lieu of September being Suicide Prevention/Awareness Month, I am reposting some of my older posts that deal with my depression, my suicide attempt, and verses/quotations of hope and strength. Please feel free to pass these on to others who feel alone – it is one of the worst feelings in the world to go through this by yourself. Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts, my friend.
X Chris
When I first began thinking of writing about clinical depression, I stopped thinking. I put it to rest. Why would I consider doing what I was considering? What would I do in the face of my family and friends when they found out? I felt so shameful. So inadequate. So inferior. And I felt so alone. Especially as a male. Men aren’t supposed to talk about our feelings. We’re not supposed to cry. Not show weakness. Not show emotion.
This…thing I had, made me do all those things. And it wouldn’t leave. It just lingered there for years. It reared its ugly head more than I could handle. I saw its sinister teeth glistening in the shadows. Its chipped, stiletto nails sliding around the corner and scratching on the walls of my soul.
Later, through years of counseling and medicine, doctors help me put a name to this thing and they called it depression. I’ve come to call it, Specter.
A big step to my living with depression and being haunted by Specter was the realization of what I was going through was real. It was not imagined. I was not a freak or different because I was going through it. I was normal. The Lord just dealt me a hand that was different from other folks in my life. That’s a-whole-‘nother talk which I imagine I’ll address in the future. The biggest help to me was decoding the codex. Once I discovered the following four items, I could live with my depression. Yours may be different my friend. You may have less. You may have more. There’s no standard here. And that’s perfectly fine.
Here are four truths I’ve learned from my years of living with depression:
Robin Williams on Depression | [QUOTE]
I’ve noticed this post gets hits everyday so I thought it’d be worthwhile to repost it.
X Chris
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
-Robin Williams
My Mom’s Story in Remembering My Suicide Attempt | [GUEST BLOG]
Today it has been a year since I hanged myself.
I asked my mom if she would tell her story in remembering that day.
These are her words.
A telephone rings, breaking the silence of a peaceful morning.
Still in bed, reaching for the phone and hearing a son’s voice.
Cheerily say “hello” and hear the pain in his voice, trembling, as he asks if I am sitting.
I know in my heart it is news about his older brother, so I brace for the words but not the words I expected.
Maybe words of an accident or broken bones but never the words “suicide attempt.” Those words were not in my vocabulary. It happened to other people, and other people’s children. Mine were safe from that darkness.
Tears fell with an ebb and flow, trying to know what to do, who to call, how to end this pain and nightmare. Not knowing what lay at the other end in another state 10 hours away, I felt so helpless.”
Dear Lord, protect and bless my dear sons. Both need your strength and healing power.”
Praying gave me a new strength and I embarked on the darkest journey of a mother’s life.
Crying, praying, texting…that was the rhythm of my life as the car wheels turned and the distance shrank between questions and answers.
Distance that took so long to span when all I wanted to do was hold my broken son close.
Hospitals are cold and sterile and meeting my trembling voiced, bad news bearing son helped to bring me comfort at the entrance. Surrounded by caring people, nurses preparing me for what I would see, what lay behind closed doors and long curtains. Friends of my darkness-fighting son were waiting, praying. Soooo many friends, so many arms surrounding a sobbing mother fighting to be strong.
Then the long walk into a dim cave of machines and white robed angel nurses surrounding hurting people in the ICU. Kindly leading me onward to what I dreaded to face on my own, needing the arms of strangers as well as the strong arm of the Good Shepherd.
Is it time yet? Am I there? Do I have to do this? Are you sure I am the one that has to face this?
Yes, yes and yes.
“I have paved the way and am walking with you” were the words I could hear in my heart sent from the Shepherd.
The curtain pulled back gently by another angel nurse and there lay my darkness-fighting son. My heart broke for his pain, his fighting against this all swallowing enemy that had brought him so low.
My son who could make me laugh was now without laughter of his own.
What did he need from me. All I had to give was the mother love that I had for him and his brother and sister.
I took my seat next to him and gently rubbed his tethered hand which lay against the cold steel frame of the bed.
I reached over and gently kissed his brow saying, “Momma’s here now, son. I love you. I will always love you. Together we will fight the darkness. Together with the Shepherd.”
As I said these words I thought my fight was over but little did I know that the darkness was laughing at me. My fight had just begun and will continue until the darkness is diminished and the troops of light are surrounding my darkness-fighting son. He has always been a fighter and his fighting spirit will continue to rally the troops of other darkness-fighting souls of which I am proud to call my adopted children. God bless you all.
Guest Blogger Teaser
Hi, I’m Chris.
And I survive with severe depression.
Since this Monday will be one year since I hanged myself, I’ve asked my mom to be a guest blogger.
I will post her story this Monday night, so please stop back to read what she wrote. You’re NOT going to want to miss this!
Thank you for your support in following surviving the specter and for always sharing your thoughts, my friends. I love you.
X Chris
Jar of Emptiness | [POETRY]
Someone was preparing to end their life.
You prevented them from doing that without even knowing it…
Please pass this on to someone who is struggling with thoughts of suicide this September – Suicide Prevention/Awareness month.
I held a jar of emptiness
Lonely, full of gray
It sucked out all the sunshine
It took the joy away
You came and said hello to me
You put some brightness in
I will not forget your kindness
My thoughtful, loving friend
September is Suicide Prevention/Awareness Month
TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses my suicide attempt. Please, my friend, do not read it if this is a trigger.
This month is Suicide Prevention/Awareness month.
And next week marks the one year anniversary of my hanging.
So I want to take this month to reblog some of my posts talking about this tumor that can strike anyone at any time.
It strikes those of us who are depressed most often.
For those left in the aftermath the largest question they have is “Why?” My family and friends wondered the same thing while I lay in the hospital.
I wrote this post in an attempt to explain what I was thinking when I put the noose around my neck-
When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide?
In closing, and for those who are where I was a year ago, right now…You. Are. Not. Alone. The feelings will eventually subside. They may revisit like Specter does, but you will know how to deal with them next time.
Right now as I’m writing this I have these feelings pulsing through my veins. I won’t act on these BECAUSE I know they will subside and I have the Lord’s strength on my side. It’s just been a rough week…
- My account is overdrawn (I get paid once a month)
- I started a graduate certificate and my tuition reimbursement hasn’t cleared – I am facing late fines and possible expulsion from the program
- I am worried about having enough gas in my car for the rest of the month and it’s only the 8th
- I was unable to buy groceries this month
- My girlfriend and I ended our relationship
- I was rear-ended last week in a triple car accident on the interstate
I just felt like sitting down and crying today. I feel worthless and at age 42, like I don’t have anything to show except for a daughter that just started 5th grade today.
Maintain hope in the presence of hopelessness.
Maintain strength in the presence of despair.
Rethink your decision in 24 hours.
You will overcome.
We believe in you.
How To Prevent Suicide: 3 Risk Factors For Suicide Attempts | [REBLOG]
A “depressive mixed states” often precedes a suicide attempt.
A major study of 2,811 people suffering from depression has identified three behaviours that predict a suicide attempt.
The study compared depressed people who had attempted suicide with depressed people who had not.
The researchers found there were certain patterns of behaviour which increased the risk of a suicide attempt by 50%.
They are:
- Risky behaviour: this could be reckless sexual behaviour, dangerous driving or some other form of risky behaviour.
- Agitation: walking around the room, adjusting clothing, wringing one’s hands etc..
- Impulsivity: suddenly doing things without thinking about the consequences or planning.
Dr. Dina Popovic, one of the study’s authors, said:
“We found that “depressive mixed states” often preceded suicide attempts.
A depressive mixed state is where a patient is depressed, but also has symptoms of “excitation,” or mania.
We found this significantly more in patients who had previously attempted suicide, than those who had not.
In fact 40% of all the depressed patients who attempted suicide had a “mixed episode” rather than just depression.
All the patients who suffer from mixed depression are at much higher risk of suicide.
We also found that the standard DSM criteria identified 12% of patients at showing mixed states, whereas our methods showed 40% of at-risk patients.
This means that the standard methods are missing a lot of patients at risk of suicide.”
Dr. Popovic continued:
“In our opinion, assessing these symptoms in every depressed patient we see is extremely important, and has immense therapeutical implications.
Most of these symptoms will not be spontaneously referred by the patient, the clinician needs to inquire directly, and many clinicians may not be aware of the importance of looking at these symptoms before deciding to treat depressed patients.
This is an important message for all clinicians, from the GPs who see depressed patients and may not pay enough attention to these symptoms, which are not always reported spontaneously by the patients, through to secondary and tertiary level clinicians.
In highly specialized tertiary centres, clinicians working with bipolar patients are usually more aware of this, but that practice needs to extent to all levels.
The strength of this study is that it’s not a clinical trial, with ideal patients — it’s a big study, from the real world.”
The research was presented at the 28th ECNP Congress in Amsterdam (Popovic et al., 2015).
If Mental Illnesses Were Monsters, This Is What They’d Look Like | [REBLOG]
Check out these cartoons of mental illnesses created by U.K.-based artist Toby Allen. He decided to draw different mental illnesses as monsters, as a way of helping himself and ultimately others. Check out the article I found on Huffington Post as well as his Real Monsters series.
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