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Tag Archives: Moving forward

Ending of a Relationship


For survivors of mental illness, they say journaling is a way to help you heal.

Here’s my effort at catharsis…

My girlfriend of nearly three years, and I, just parted ways. We’ve broken up several times before, and each time have gotten back together. This time is permanent though <<insert audience laughter here>> because of how things have progressed. Here are my thoughts through the process:

Moving On-

  • Remember why the breakup happened in the first place. There was a breaking point for me. A straw. A tipping point that once reached, ensured that things were not going to continue from that point on. It was a recurring theme that (I felt) I didn’t deserve to endure, and I couldn’t endure in the future and for the rest of the relationship. Remembering this tipping point became my first anchor point.

  • Make a list of anchor points. This was the first thing I did. I made a list. I know that there are going to be days when I’m sad and want the relationship back. I also realize that that is not a healthy choice, so to help me remain resolute, I wrote a list of things that would keep me steadfast. Especially on the weekend. Out of respect to her I won’t list them here, but these are largely negative things that have pushed me away over time. When you’re sad your mind wanders back to the good times you both had, or all the things you miss about that person. Keeping a list of anchor points helps me keep things in perspective. Don’t fume over the bad things and don’t forget the good things, just be real with yourself.

  • Disconnect from their social media world. I find that when I have a break with someone, I need to cut ALL ties. Cold turkey. I don’t want them coming up in my news feed. I don’t want to see that they’ve liked my posts. I don’t want to see their Pins or comments come up on my wall. It makes me anxious and makes my adrenaline race. It makes me start to miss those things I mentioned above. My ex blocked my texts and blocked me on Fb so she won’t even come up in searches. There are also apps that block their texts from coming in, and you can delete their numbers from your Contacts list, but I haven’t done. I’m the type of person that can’t “just be friends”. To me, that’s a crock of she-ite. Maybe we can in the future, but not at this time. It’s too painful. It’s too real. And it’s too raw to be your friend. It’s too tempting to want to go back to something that is so raw, familiar, even if it was largely toxic. To resist the temptation, I don’t put myself in the situation in the first place, and have done what I could to avoid it.

  • Get out. I’m an introvert and like my alone time. This can become unhealthy since I also live with major depression. I have to be careful that alone time doesn’t turn into isolation. I know that I need to step out of my comfort zone and start doing things, especially on the weekends when I don’t have my daughter. Those are the worst. Make plans – in fact make a Plan B in case Plan A falls through. All too many times I’ve found myself sitting at home crying with the lights off and the shades dropped because I didn’t have a backup plan. It just turns into a deep dark pit from there. Make sure you weekends are chock full of being around your friends. Tell them what you’re going through if you have to, but make sure there are no cracks in your time or if you’re anything like me, you’ll be sitting around and that’s when the loneliness will hit. We don’t like loneliness. It is the enemy right now. One of the things I am going to try to do is join a gym down the street and get back into shape. Being out of shape has brought me down mentally and exercising again and losing some weight will be good for both my mental and physical health. Another great way to get out is to join a Meetup singles group, though I’m not sure if this applies to readers outside the US.

  • Go on a date when you’re ready. Get to know other people. Spread your wings. You don’t have to jump right into another relationship (in fact you shouldn’t) but there’s nothing wrong with getting back out there and getting to know people, and building relationships. Go on dating sights and meet people. At this point it’s about survival and staying busy, not finding your soul mate.

Red Flags-

I’m not going to go into much detail here, again, out of respect.

  1. We both live with mental illness. Maybe a relationship where both partners survive with mental illnesses can work out. On the other hand, maybe it’s not a wise choice in the first place. I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that we both have demons we live with. I also know that we both needed LOTS of patience and empathy to date each other – we didn’t necessarily have those two things all the time. WE can’t rely on others to fix quell those demons, we have to do that on our own. The other person isn’t going to fix us. We have to be able to manage who we are within the relationship.

  2. Trust issues.  You shouldn’t have to suffer for someone’s (trust) issues from a prior relationship. If that person feels the need to go through your texts and social media IMs and you haven’t done something deserving of that (let’s be honest here), then there are trust issues that need to be resolved outside of the relationship. If a person sits outside a friend’s house of the opposite sex because they think there is a secret affair going on, then there are trust issues that need to be resolved outside the relationship. If a person calls a neighbor to see whose cars are at their partner’s apartment, then there are trust issues that need to be resolved outside the relationship. To project past trust issues onto your partner is emotional abuse and unfair.

  3. Others. In hind sight, there are many signs that you can probably now see that should have been red flags: multiple marriages, anger issues, physical and emotional and verbal abuse…the list could go on for each of us. It’s important in our closure that we notice these things (and write them down if necessary) and try our best to avoid them in our future.

Do you have any suggestions on how best to move on, or red flags that you’ve experienced in your relationships? Would you be willing to share them with the rest of us?

 

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Posted by on 08/12/2016 in relationships

 

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When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide? | [REBLOG]

When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide? | [REBLOG]

I’ve been Tweeting with a friend whose site is based on raising suicide awareness, especially for those who need answers to “why?”. I wrote this some time ago and am hoping it helps a little in the way of explaining my personal experience.

surviving the specter

NOTE: Dear reader, this post talks openly about suicide. If this is a trigger, please do not read it at this time. Thank you. May peace come to you in your valley.

I attempted suicide on 9/14/14.

I had been on the noose for about 45 minutes.

I am fortunate. I had friends that saved me.

I hope that my words may provide some closure for those that may still be seeking answers. A small bit of understanding to answer the question, “Why?” My family and friends are fortunate because I am able to answer those questions for. I am fortunate to be alive and explain it to them.

************************************************************************************

storm_001

“It’s the easy way out.”Psh! Friend if you’re that deep, it’s the ONLY way out.

“He just wanted attention.” I wanted peace.

“He was so selfish.” I wasn’t thinking of anybody.

So when does it all become too much to…

View original post 622 more words

 
 

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Me vs. Depression [Featured Blog]


It’s been a good amount of time since I’ve stumbled across a blog I really connected with. A blog where I truly enjoyed reading a lengthier-than-usual post for my short-spanned prefrontal cortex.

If you’re like me and survive with depression, you’ll appreciate J’s candid, real, & honest posts over at “Me vs. Depression”.

I’m always looking forward to the next one! You should peruse his blog and find out why.

https://jrockblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/drowning-pt-2-april-12-2016/

 
 

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Perseverance | [QUOTE]


Image showing lady throwing ashes into the sea with quote saying,

Spreading his ashes.

About a month ago, my girlfriend spread the ashes of a dear childhood friend into the sea…

Shortly after that we got into an argument…

Hours after that she left the above quote on my desk…

…I am blessed by her continued thoughtfulness and selflessness.

“The force of the waves

is in their perseverance.”

– Gila Guri

 

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Necessary Endings – Do you have one to make? [IMAGE]



necessary endings_001

NOTE: These are not my ideas. This intellectual property belongs to Dr. Henry Cloud and his book Necessary Endings.

I’ve just reread Henry Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings. This book was pivotal in my decision to end a toxic relationship – my marriage.

I am proud of the decision? No.

Was it necessary? Absolutely. It had become a toxic relationship.

And no slander to my ex-wife, it was on both of us. It always is.

My Plan

This book was SO profound to me that I decided I am going to summarize a couple chapters of the book over the next few weeks. I am really looking forward to having a dialogue in the Comments section of each post so if you’re game and want a head start, GO GET THE BOOK ALREADY! http://www.amazon.com/Necessary-Endings-Employees-Businesses-Relationships/dp/0061777129

Have you read the book? Please let me know in the comment section below, or click the “thumbs up” icon. Let me know if you’re planning on buying the book, or planning on joining in, in any way. This is going to be really exciting!

I’m going mention the major points of chapters 5 and 6 (at least) since these were the two sections that validated what I was feeling and going through. It will answer questions like-

  • Is there something in my life that needs pruning?
  • Why is “hopelessness” important?
  • How do we decide if a pruning is necessary? Do all things really need to end?

This book was a life changer for me.

It is a staple book on my book shelf. It is thoroughly highlighted and marked up with extra notes.

I hope it impacts your life in a positive way.

Game on!


 

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When you feel like God isn’t listening… [Image]



teacher remains quiet during the test_001


 

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“Better Days”, Saliva



Another positive message for all of us warriors!

“Forgive yourself
Break the chain and separate
Let it go I’ve had enough
Rise above”

“Better Days”

Take a lesson in pain

From the man who’s seen both sides
I make the best of worst
And it hurts but it gets me by
We’re all alone on this road we travel
And everyday is like an uphill battle
Take a lesson from the man who’s seen it all

Forgive yourself
Break the chain and separate
Let it go I’ve had enough
Rise above

I can’t change what I’ve done
So leave the past where it lays
I’ll get through this
I’ve clinched my fist and I’ll find another way
You know you can’t win them all
You got to play through the rain
You can’t just grasp at every strum
You got to reach for better days

Done time and mind
Tried to hide it all inside
Did the best that could
Even when I couldn’t get it right
No one sees the scars when it’s over
I turn the page of the rage so there’s closure
Take a lesson from the man who’s seen it all

Forgive yourself
Break the chain and separate
Let it go I’ve had enough
Rise above

I can’t change what I’ve done
So leave the past where it lays
I’ll get through this
I’ve clinched my fist and I’ll find another way
You know you can’t win them all
You got to play through the rain
You can’t just grasp at every strum
You got to reach for better days

Forgive yourself
Break the chains and separate

I can’t change what I’ve done
So leave the past where it lays
I’ll get through this
I’ve clinched my fist and I’ll find another way
You know you can’t win them all
You got to play through the rain
You can’t just grasp at every strum
You got to reach for better days


 

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