My girlfriend and I of three years broke up a couple weeks ago. And it’s been the hardest thing to do to remain steadfast. I didn’t want to part ways but I did because I couldn’t endure her anxiety that came at the most unexpected of times – out of the blue; out of left field. Like a brick to the back of my head. It pushed me away. It made me not want to engage. And it made me stonewall.
Maybe it was her anxiety. Maybe they were trust issue outbursts. But they always seemed like personal attacks. I always felt so small and subhuman when she was “done with me”.
I tried and I tried to continue the relationship, but it was harder and harder each time. I didn’t want the relationship to end because somehow, I found what I wanted in a partner…for the most part. Each time the outbursts happened I felt myself pushed farther away, becoming more distant. I always felt insulted and indignant. I felt subhuman, tiny, and shamed.
I know she suffered from multiple forms of abuse in her past relationships and so I always thought it was my fault. My depression. My Specter. I always accounted for her anxiety and PTSD. But looking back, I felt I didn’t do anything wrong. The shituations all felt like I was being personally attacked. I know there are always two sides to any story, but there are some times when reality “is what it is”.
I remember one time when my university sent me a text alert that school was closed because of inclement weather. Then the standard followup prerecorded phone call came to let me know the same. We were watching a movie and I picked up to listen to the message and look at the text. I remember being accosted because I didn’t show her my phone. I don’t know if that was anxiety but I felt violated and like my trust in her plummeted.
Yes, I am sad. I also feel bad that I wasn’t courageous enough to continue to be strong for her if in fact these outbursts were part of her anxiety. She was a good woman. She was what I wanted in a partner…for the most part. I just couldn’t do it when my own Specter was digging his nails into my back at the same time and with the valley I’ve been in for the past year. I need to work on myself…bad.
I’m lonely even with my family, friends, and my daughter.
What to do.
surviving the specter 
KatieComeBack
08/21/2016 at 21:03
Here’s the thing. Lobster is delicious. So are hot-fudge milkshakes.
But they don’t really…”go.”
Lobster doesn’t work in the blender, and isn’t a normal partner to hot fudge or ice cream. Milkshakes are wonderful, but don’t work when plated with seafood.
Two wonderful things that, as amazing as they are, were never meant to be together.
And that is OK. Hugs.
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gingersnap74
08/21/2016 at 22:55
Wow! Who can’t love you with all your visual insights. Made perfect sense to me! Carry on young, Jedi 😊
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KatieComeBack
08/23/2016 at 16:39
Now if only the physician could heal herself. LOL 😉
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gingersnap74
08/21/2016 at 06:55
“I think when two people are both that damaged…No amount of effort is going to make it work. We are who we are and we can only choose to save ourselves. ”
That says it all right there….
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CJ Newlife
08/21/2016 at 07:47
I agree with you gingersnap74. I married a man partly because we were both “damaged goods” and we bonded over having PTSD from previous abuse. I thought we would find a common language that would make our relationship stronger. I thought we could heal together. It didn’t work out that way. The issues were too complicated and too deep. But our breakup turned out to be a blessing for me because I vowed to focus on my own issues, and only mine, after we split up. It is still a work in progress and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to make a relationship work because of the scars of past abuse. But I remain hopeful – and I focus on learning to love myself every single day. I am happier than I ever could have imagined. I have found that love exists in little unexpected places, in people I meet at art shows, in my family members, in the animals that share my world. So yes, sometimes the only life you can save is your own.
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Surviving the Specter
08/21/2016 at 13:11
I can SO relate to your words here, CJ. I also wonder the same things you do and hope to be at that place of happiness you are at, in my own life. Thank you for taking your time to stop by and leave your thoughts. I really appreciate it X.
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Surviving the Specter
08/21/2016 at 13:09
Thank you for the reminder, Chelise. X
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Rachel
08/20/2016 at 22:10
I’m going through this now with my partner. Except I think my specter keeps me from demanding the respect I know I deserve. Being an adult is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I give you kudos for being strong and doing what you think is best for you. My counselor has a great quote; you did the best you could with what you had at the given time. That’s all any of us can do.
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Surviving the Specter
08/21/2016 at 10:10
These are all excellent points, Rachel. I will take them and hold them close to my heart in moving forward. Thank you for your support X. May I use your counselor’s quote in a future post?
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morgueticiaatoms
08/20/2016 at 21:53
This reminds me a lot of how the donor said my mental issues made him feel-like a non person. I look back and think remorsefully of when I treated him badly. I also look bad and think, why wasn’t I important enough to him for him to HEAR me when I told him I did not blame my problems on him. He could have insisted I see a new doc, made the appt, he could have done any number of things to help…rather than just make it about me being mean to him.
At the same time, I could have, in my right mind, considered his damages too. Alcoholic criminal family, rejecting mom, abusive brother, inability to bond with his own children…
I think when two people are both that damaged…No amount of effort is going to make it work. We are who we are and we can only choose to save ourselves. It hurts like salt in a gaping wound but…Tis what it is.
Are we the bad seeds? Are our exes the bad seeds?
I think we’re all flawed humans and sometimes it just does not work out despite our best efforts and intentions.
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Surviving the Specter
08/20/2016 at 21:56
True words, Niki. True words. I wish you would have written this post. You have the exact words. X
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