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This Depression Thing

04 Aug

The whole issue with this depression thing – it has sucked all life out of me like some soul harvester.

This past year has been one of the most relentless struggles I’ve had to endure. It gets worse each day I aimlessly trudge through my daily dosage of hours like a walker. And I don’t see an end in sight.

I feel like I stare at an hourglass in front of me. Glossy-eyed and lost faced, watching each grain of sand tumble through the bottleneck , building up the mountain in the chamber below that represents time passed.

The sand falls in slow motion.

Maybe you can relate?

shades_01I don’t see the sunshine. I’ve had this gray film over my life. It is a sunny, bright, 82º outside my Norfolk, VA apartment. I can’t see it. I don’t feel the warmth in my soul. I keep all the blinds shut. It’s not the kind of depression where you can simply open the blinds and the gray is gone. That doesn’t work. Our friends will suggest it…to open the shades and let the sunshine in. But those who don’t live with it can’t ever understand that just doesn’t work. It’s a fog of war. It stays.It permeates the skin and sinks down to the core. It’s a wave that has to be ridden.

I’ve been riding the crashing part of the barrel for months.

I have no drive. It’s really hard to continue when you feel so hopelessly apathetic. I get so sick of looking at the hourglass and longing for sleep. If I feel inspired to do something I change to something else before I finish what I started. So many things left unfinished. I wander back and forth in my apartment sometimes feeling that I’m going crazy. Most people that don’t live with this affliction would quickly suggest to exercise. All the other articles and advice out there scream that, but how can you bring yourself to that if you can’t even walk across the street to the beach on such an ideal day?

I’m numb and I don’t feel happiness. I don’t feel the happiness that other people feel when it’s sunny out. I should. I want to feel it. I want to feel “normal”. I want the chemicals in my body to react like that. I don’t want to be numb anymore. Catatonic. Zombie-ish. I’m trying to blog it out because journaling is supposed to be the best form of therapy for depression. It hardly is for me. It’s not cathartic. I’ve had an impossible time dragging myself to type this post and hardly feel any form of relief or healing from doing so. Getting a buzz from drinking (exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing, I know) used to give me a tinge of happiness. Now, that doesn’t even work. I’ve lost all interest in all things: writing, drinking, walking on the beach, reading, drawing, sex, photography, being a dad, friendships. I’ve thought a lot about dying. Not being suicidal, but just as a quiet way to end the mind numbing hourglass watching.Quote_gray_001

I fail at relationship. I isolate. I drive people away. I drive myself away from people. I isolate myself from those who love and care about me. It makes me drive those away who love me. 

I’ve lost a foothold in my faith. I used to find peace when I read the Word and prayed early in the morning. That has been sucked away too. I don’t have the same happiness that I see on other believers’ faces, like when I used to go to church. I want that simple happiness of just waking up and being happy. I know they have their own problems, and sometimes that smile is just plastered on, but I just want to feel the Spirit move me to happiness.

*    *     *

How does your depression make you feel?

Maybe all this strikes a cord. If it does, please remember: you certainly are not alone.

 

 

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10 Comments

Posted by on 08/04/2016 in Depression

 

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10 responses to “This Depression Thing

  1. KatieComeBack

    08/13/2016 at 19:18

    I’m often left with feeling emotionally empty. Everything is beige; all the color is gone. Nothing spikes the meter and I just don’t care. Life happens, I exist….but that’s it. There’s no change to light or darkness. I breathe under a thick, heavy fog.

    I do hope you catch some light soon.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  2. peggyricewi

    08/08/2016 at 09:44

    I can definitely relate to your writing here, and am sorry you are struggling right now, and have been. I know you can’t see an end – everything is gray as far as the eye can see. But you’ve been better before, and you will get through it this time, too.
    You are not alone. There are many of us who are there or have been there. Hold on.
    Remember that while you may not feel His Presence, God is with you. He has not been pushed away. He loves you even though you don’t feel it. Your feelings don’t change the truth of His love for you. You’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  3. gracecrandallauthor

    08/05/2016 at 00:17

    The psalms have always had a special place in my heart, mostly because they have a knack for reminding me of God’s peace even through the fog of depression. It seems like King David struggled with the specter too.
    every word of this post really struck a chord. I’m amazed at how well you can articulate what it feels like–every time I try, it’s like I’m hitting a wall. Thank you for reminding us we’re not alone–you’re not alone either.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      08/08/2016 at 17:38

      Thank you for taking your time in leaving humbling compliments, Grace, as well as the Biblical reminders of what we live through. I will remember to push through in hopes of reaching others who survive with what we do also X.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  4. mistakenldy

    08/04/2016 at 18:43

    You are not alone at all. What about those of us that you love and love you back so fiercely they stand still while you’re unintentionally driving them away? I refuse to give up on you. It’s hard at times some days harder than others to understand & go through it together; it’s better than trudging through the valleys of grey alone. What can those of us here do for you? Holding your handsome face in my hands, reminding you of the beautiful soul inside you, telling you how much you are loved & I know you love back is not an option for the ones you hold dearest. What do you need right now?

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      08/21/2016 at 14:14

      I feel like I ruin everything. I needed your understanding and calm when the anxiety/trust issues came out of the blue for seemingly no reason at all. Each time I was pushed away further. I just wanted us to be comfortable but the outbursts scared me to death and I closed you off. I didn’t want to. I wanted to have strength to hold you and comfort you in my arms but I felt so attacked…it felt so personal. Such hate against me when I was just trying to be your man and give you the honesty and integrity you deserved. I know time has passed but I miss you…miss our good times, so much. It is hard not to talk to you or feel your touch. I want to reach out to you every day but am so afraid. Always looking for that blinking light on my phone or your face on my screen. I hope you are doing well and are happy. I hope this sadness passes.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  5. Matthew Malin

    08/04/2016 at 17:04

    And I will quickly echo the same sentiment and say that you are not alone either. Keep pushing forward. Let me know if I can do anything!

    Liked by 2 people

     

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