Why Won’t My Brain Light Up?

13 May

(or, My Decision to Explore TMS)


It’s simple really.

You know?

Why my brain doesn’t light up.

From the information I’ve read and the images I’ve seen, the depressed brain doesn’t do much “lighting”. And I’ve suffered with it since middle school.


I realized something wasn’t right and was making me extremely “sad” when I had a razor blade on my desk, alongside a note to my parents. A note saying that I was sorry for being such a failure.

My dad came in.

He probably saved my life.

I don’t know if he ever told my mom, but mom, he’s a hero.

Years later at 42 years old, 40 lbs overweight, and all the life sucked out of me, I’m giving treatment another chance.

Not in the form of body-bloating prescriptions though. I seem to be immune to them anyways. Or maybe that’s because they’re working?

You know. We sometimes quit when they’re working. We feel we’re alright. We feel like we’re cured. But it’s the meds kids. Don’t you dare stop them cold turkey like I once did.

No, this is different.

I’ve made the decision to go to a neurology center to have a consultation on Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Therapy. If you haven’t read about it, it seems like a bright light at the end of my dark tunnel.

And I’m excited. Are you kidding?!?! A chance to get my life back?? Sounds good by me.

The only slight concern I have is about short term memory loss but that’s about it.

This is all probably just a laughing carrot being dangled in front of my face.

But a carrot nonetheless.

I’ll keep you informed of how this new path goes.

Do you have experiences with TMS? I’d sure love to get your thoughts on this.


Posted by on 05/13/2016 in Depression, TMS


Tags: ,

11 responses to “Why Won’t My Brain Light Up?

  1. nombre de la pluma

    06/29/2016 at 13:31

    OK I know this is a month-old response, but let us know how your treatment goes please. I am starting to think light, or lightning, may cure almost everything. (for example, ) I just wish they could perfect ECT (lightning) treatments and cure bipolar and cyclothymia.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Surviving the Specter

      06/30/2016 at 17:59

      No problemo, nombre. The treatment is currently outside of my benefits so I’ll have to wait until they accept it. They reevaluated it at the end of last month, I’m just waiting to hear what the decision was.


  2. SassaFrassTheFeisty

    05/15/2016 at 18:05

    Hell I’d give this a try of it meant i could feel again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Surviving the Specter

      05/15/2016 at 21:06

      There’s been times I wish I’d STOP feeling because all I ever did was cry and wish I was gone. It’s a suckwad roller coaster ride when sometimes you just want to go on a log float around the jungle island like at the water parks.

      Liked by 1 person

      • SassaFrassTheFeisty

        05/15/2016 at 21:42

        Yeah I’m all for the lazy river ride minus all the people. Some days (alot of days) i hide in my room and just wait. Wait for everything and nothing. It’s a super suckwad way to live, but im still alive, right? Sigh


  3. lookingforthelightblog

    05/15/2016 at 01:47

    Hi Chris
    I’ve been sick and out of mind. I feel like I owe you an email but don’t remember what. Please excuse. I’m thrilled to here you’re taking a step, steps and steps. You’re doing what everyone needs to do. Do you homework at each stage of life or new meds. Have the pdoc talk real numbers, how many treatments, have doc walk you through an example treatment. Ask questions about short term memory, what is his idea of the general when it come’s to short term memory. Another great resource is FDA.Gov and FDA Medwatch. You’ll have plenty of questions to answer after ready the data available.
    Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lookingforthelightblog

      05/15/2016 at 01:58

      I forgot…..when talking about short term memory, what does it mean? I get extremely detailed about my health. The site will have prescribing information. This is where the study researchers list all the test on the med and details the side effects from the lowest to highest. If thousand people were studied and the reasons why people left is high and why they left is info to walk in to pdoc. He’ll know you are on top of treatment. I could drowned you in medical reasher methods. I’ll stop here.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Surviving the Specter

      05/15/2016 at 16:27

      M’, thank you so much for your words of insight. They are truly helpful. And you never, ever need to feel like you owe me anything my friend. Praying you find patches of peace here and there. Thank you for being such a strong support. xXx


  4. KatieComeBack

    05/14/2016 at 14:43

    Failing is only not trying again. You got this. If it isn’t your pitch, take the next swing. No strikeouts in this game unless you throw the bat away.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. morgueticiaatoms

    05/13/2016 at 19:08

    I am so in favor of new methods of diagnosis/treatment. Yet when Sass had her genetic testing only to be told she metabolizes meds fine and the doctor doesn’t think she is bipolar…It just felt like one more hoop where if we don’t meet every single bulletpoint we are somehow making it up.
    I truly hope all goes well for you. I remain open minded but very wary. My insurance would never cover anything other than meds, anyway, so what choice do I have.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Surviving the Specter

      05/13/2016 at 19:17

      Heya morgue’! Yes, definitely count me in on the wary wagon. I’ve learned to more-or-less settle with my lot in life. I hate it. But like you said, “what choice do I have?” Thank you for your show of support as you always do, my friend. I hope that yardsaling weather blesses you tomorrow and that there are some nice deals to be found. X

      Liked by 2 people


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