Hello there. Welcome to this little gathering place. I’m glad you found your way here and I hope that you are able to take something away when you leave.
This post is not a typical one of mine. It’s not common to the past few that I’ve recently added. In fact it’s about as atypical as the ones I’ve recently written.
I’ve been in a bad way for about the past year. I’ll call these months the Dark Age. I don’t know if I’m coming out of them just yet, but I am blogging again. And that in itself is a huge step.
I’ve been apathetic.
I’ve been suicidal.
I’ve been drinking.
I’ve been living it up Netflix style every night with a party for one. Shades drawn. Door locked. A catatonic lump amassed on the tan leather couch that has become my safe spot. I don’t know if I’ve been particularly withdrawn because I’m a heavy introvert, but I have felt awkward and inept in social settings – yeah I don’t really dig those. I’m a big red X, Delete button kinda guy on those MS Outlook happy hour invitations I get once a month. Yeah buddy, cut my knees off and call me shorty – that’s me.
My posts have been increasingly dark and graphic. I’m like that anyways because that’s how my depression manifests itself. Actually, it’s not that they’ve become dark and graphic. It’s just that that’s ALL they are nowadays.
I used to do Saturday night funnies because they used to make me laugh.
I used to laugh.
I used to create these little phrases of hope in PowerPoint and post them. I used to write poetry regularly because I had it in my soul. I haven’t had those intuitions in a hot minute.
40+ pounds lighter and several years ago, I used to get up at 4:30/5:00 to exercise. Now I don’t even care to walk across the street to the beach for a stroll. It’s all I can do to come home, get changed, and plop myself on the couch where I mutate for the rest of the night.
Eating popcorn and Fringe binging.
I don’t have energy for a relationship, but have been in one for the past two years.
[I tried so hard to reach for the stars]
I feel like a failure and that I let people down every day just by being alive. That’s how depression does.
[But I failed you all]
I haven’t even played Rockband until just recently. Forced myself to.
Yeah lately, I haven’t had hope.
I’ve not been hopeful for my life.
I’ve not had “hope through Depression” like the subtitle to my site says.
It hasn’t all been suckwad
Ironically though, I have been productive in small areas of my life. Don’t know how THAT’S worked out, but it has. I earned a merit raise at my job during December’s rounds of performance reviews. I’ve been taking graduate courses for almost the past year…trying to complete a certificate in my job field. I have a beautiful daughter who I spend as much time with as her mother allows me to. But I swear, most days it’s the most I can do to drag myself out of bed after hitting Snooze for 90 minutes, wiping the sleepy dirt from my eyes, and getting in the shower then heading to work.
Soooo anywho, that’s been my life for the past, longest time.
Sass’ – the catalyst
A fellow blogger, a friend, commented recently that:
I think even we, with our own Specters, forget how overpowering they can be and that we don’t want to glorify when it happens. We just want to be honest about it. And in that honesty comes bravery, even if you don’t feel it.
I sent her a quick thank you for the impact that her statement had on me over the past 24 hours, particularly when she said, “we don’t want to glorify when it happens”.
That got me thinking about the title of my blog-
surviving the specter
Hope through Depression from a survivor of suicide. “Specter” is the personification of my depression.
It got me thinking about rethinking that phrase, particularly that little word, “hope”.
What’s in a name?
I haven’t had hope.
I haven’t portrayed hope.
I haven’t sought hope.
So I think it best that I modify the name of this little gathering place.
surviving the specter
HopeSurviving through Depression from a survivor of suicide. “Specter” is the personification of my depression.
Lyrics courtesy of DragonForce, The Day.