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The Night I Killed Myself |Part 1?

09 Apr
The Night I Killed Myself |Part 1?

TRIGGER WARNING – This post ideals with suicide. Please do not read it dear friend, if this is a trigger.Mom. Angels. I am safe. This is just a memoir because I know others have no choice but to survive through the same. You have supported me to talk about this curse, through God’s strength.

Regardless of how alone you feel at this very moment – YOU. ARE. NOT. Please reach out. We are here to support our brothers and sisters through this dark abyss. Through this Specter. You can read as much as I remember about my personal fight and that night of hopelessness from the end of the belt.

the night I killed myself

Image of poem with lyrics below, as well as an image of hand holding an empty bottle with pills emptied out on a wooden floor.

The Night I Killed Myself | Part 1?

Anger triggers, trigger pulls, Specter slashing me

Digging claws of hopelessness, broke on bended knee

Half pill, whole pill, crying on the floor

Throw it back, chase it down, hanging from the door

Laughing at the little thought, that I was trying to sleep

“You fool you’re trying to die tonight, you worthless, monstrous creep”

Sitting on the bedroom floor, belt around my neck

Pills on wood, two bottles gone, end without regret

The pain, the hopelessness, the ever growing rage

The beast had torn apart, his rusted , Lexapronic cage

“SHH-! Don’t say it. Don’t dare speak his name”

“He’ll hear you, and he’ll cut you, and brand you with his flame.”

I can’t take the monsters, that rape me every day

Taunting me to exit out, you know, the easy way

Ever since the middle school, I entered a layer of hell

I never made it out of there, the pain’s too much to tell

*   *   *

There’s this girl that stole my heart, she used to call me dad

A fool to think I was the hero, I knew she never had

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11 Comments

Posted by on 04/09/2016 in Depression, Suicide

 

Tags: , , , , ,

11 responses to “The Night I Killed Myself |Part 1?

  1. KatieComeBack

    04/12/2016 at 22:09

    Glad to see you posting again!

    Liked by 1 person

     
  2. gingersnap74

    04/11/2016 at 07:30

    Wonderful post Christopher! Don’t know what life would be like without you. Keep fighting the good fight. Specter doesn’t have a chance with your angel around. Much love! ❤

    Like

     
  3. lookingforthelightblog

    04/10/2016 at 04:29

    Chris
    I’m glad you’re here today, working hard on tomorrow.
    🙂
    M

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      04/10/2016 at 16:16

      Thank you, M’. It has been SO tumultuous over the past few months. I have read your comments and am indebted for your stalwart support. It is humbling. It is reassuring. Bless you for your kindness, caring one. XXX

      Like

       
  4. SassaFrassTheFeisty

    04/10/2016 at 00:24

    I think even we, with our own Specters, forget how overpowering they can be and that we don’t want to glorify when it happens. We just want to be honest about it. And in that honesty comes bravery, even if you don’t feel it. {Hugs} my friend

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      04/10/2016 at 16:14

      Thank you Sass’XXXXX
      You know your words “we don’t want to glorify when it happens” really made me think over the past 24 hours. And that’s good. I never thought about it that way. I need to take heed 🙂 I love you and hope you’re doing well, dear friend who has reached out to me through my struggles.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • SassaFrassTheFeisty

        04/10/2016 at 17:23

        You’re welcome my friend. I know you’ve been through a VERY rough time as of late. Hugs hugs hugs. I love you too, and I hope you can see the light God shines on you ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

         
  5. sedge808

    04/09/2016 at 23:20

    excellent post

    Liked by 1 person

     

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