My Mom’s Story in Remembering My Suicide Attempt | [GUEST BLOG]

14 Sep

Today it has been a year since I hanged myself.

I asked my mom if she would tell her story in remembering that day.

These are her words.

A telephone rings, breaking the silence of a peaceful morning.

Still in bed, reaching for the phone and hearing a son’s voice.

Cheerily say “hello” and hear the pain in his voice, trembling, as he asks if I am sitting.

I know in my heart it is news about his older brother, so I brace for the words but not the words I expected.

Maybe words of an accident or broken bones but never the words “suicide attempt.”  Those words were not in my vocabulary. It happened to other people, and other people’s children. Mine were safe from that darkness.

Tears fell with an ebb and flow, trying to know what to do, who to call, how to end this pain and nightmare. Not knowing what lay at the other end in another state 10 hours away, I felt so helpless.”

Dear Lord, protect and bless my dear sons. Both need your strength and healing power.”

Praying gave me a new strength and I embarked on the darkest journey of a mother’s life.

Crying, praying, texting…that was the rhythm of my life as the car wheels turned and the distance shrank between questions and answers.

Distance that took so long to span when all I wanted to do was hold my broken son close.

Hospitals are cold and sterile and meeting my trembling voiced, bad news bearing son helped to bring me comfort at the entrance. Surrounded by caring people, nurses preparing me for what I would see, what lay behind closed doors and long curtains. Friends of my darkness-fighting son were waiting, praying. Soooo many friends, so many arms surrounding a sobbing mother fighting to be strong.

Then the long walk into a dim cave of machines and white robed angel nurses surrounding hurting people in the ICU. Kindly leading me onward to what I dreaded to face on my own, needing the arms of strangers as well as the strong arm of the Good Shepherd.

Is it time yet? Am I there? Do I have to do this? Are you sure I am the one that has to face this?

Yes, yes and yes.

“I have paved the way and am walking with you” were the words I could hear in my heart sent from the Shepherd.

The curtain pulled back gently by another angel nurse and there lay my darkness-fighting son. My heart broke for his pain, his fighting against this all swallowing enemy that had brought him so low.

My son who could make me laugh was now without laughter of his own.

What did he need from me. All I had to give was the mother love that I had for him and his brother and sister.

I took my seat next to him and gently rubbed his tethered hand which lay against the cold steel frame of the bed.

I reached over and gently kissed his brow saying, “Momma’s here now, son. I love you. I will always love you. Together we will fight the darkness. Together with the Shepherd.”

As I said these words I thought my fight was over but little did I know that the darkness was laughing at me. My fight had just begun and will continue until the darkness is diminished and the troops of light are surrounding my darkness-fighting son. He has always been a fighter and his fighting spirit will continue to rally the troops of other darkness-fighting souls of which I am proud to call my adopted children. God bless you all.


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21 responses to “My Mom’s Story in Remembering My Suicide Attempt | [GUEST BLOG]

  1. KatieComeBack

    09/16/2015 at 22:59

    This is absolutely beautiful. Please thank her for sharing this. It must be so painful, yet it is sure to help someone – at the very least to feel less alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. dianetharp70

    09/15/2015 at 12:08

    Wow Chris, this is deep & emotional, God bless you, your Mom, family & friends. Thank you both for sharing. {{{Hugs}}}

    Liked by 1 person

  3. peggyricewi

    09/15/2015 at 08:58

    Thanks to both of you for sharing. And God is fighting this battle with you, just like you said!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. abbiegrrl

    09/15/2015 at 07:53

    Thank you both. I’ve sat beside my boy in the hospital so many times; thankfully under different circumstances. I can tell you that I’m grateful, also, for your son’s life. You, dear mother have experienced what I’d never wish on even an enemy. The Good Shepherd has our children. He’s the only One who loves them more than we do, and He loves us, the Moms, just as much. It boggles the mind.
    Thank you for telling your story, brave woman. May others find strength from your words.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tessa

    09/15/2015 at 04:13

    How touching! I am so glad that she was there for you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Surviving the Specter

      09/16/2015 at 08:14

      Thank you so much, Tessa. Yes, her support is/was unbelievable. She immediately drove from CT to VA. She is such a rock to me when so often the roles should be reversed. I hope you are doing well and pray for your peace my friend. X


      • Tessa

        09/17/2015 at 00:41

        I am doing much better and over my suicidal thoughts. I am glad she came, that is quite a distance to drive. You have a great mom there.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Surviving the Specter

          09/17/2015 at 11:07

          Am glad you are doing better, Tessa. I’ve been busy with other things and am saddened I wasn’t there for you in your darkest valley. Please continue fighting. You are a special soul, my friend. X Chris

          Liked by 1 person

      • Tessa

        09/17/2015 at 22:01

        Thank you Chris! It is nice to know that I have so many wonderful friends on here that offered me help. xx


  6. iconquersuicide

    09/14/2015 at 22:48

    Your mother is a beautiful person :).

    Liked by 1 person

  7. gingersnap74

    09/14/2015 at 22:13

    That tugged at my emotions for sure. I adore your momma. You’re a very lucky guy to have her.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Surviving the Specter

      09/16/2015 at 07:42

      Thank you, Chelise, my angel. Yes, I am VERY lucky and blessed. She is a light during dark times and a rock of support. I know you both have the same relationship and I LOVE that. Thank you for taking your time to provide such wonderful, loving words. Love you XXXXX

      Liked by 1 person

  8. sassafrassthefeisty

    09/14/2015 at 20:11

    Oh my…I am crying! You have such a WONDERFUL mother, Chris. I can feel her light and faith for her’s and your’s Shepard (I don’t think that’s grammatically correct) and it’s some thing rare in this world. God bless your mother, God bless you, and rejoice in your survival and will to fight and your rebirth. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Surviving the Specter

      09/16/2015 at 07:40

      Yes, what a wonderful mother she is, sass! Thank you for your wonderful thoughts and as always, unconditional support. You are a treasure and we will NEVER hold grammar against you, my dear friend 😉 Love you XXXXX

      Liked by 1 person


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