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Right here, right now, say something to the person who has hurt you the most, beginning with, “I promise to…”

21 Jul

I was recently humbled with another gracious nomination for the Liebster Award.

In it I made a hard proposition to the people whom I nominated –

“Right here, right now, say something to the person who has hurt you the most, beginning with, “I promise to…”

The purpose of my post today is to take that challenge myself and answer the same question. I’d then like to send my answer to each of the people I nominated.

You ready?

I think the person whom I would most likely respond to is my (soon-to-be) ex-wife. For the purposes of this post, and future posts, I’ll call her “E” (for “E”x-wife). Now understand I have a whole (paper) journal dedicated to this subject – a vehicle that allows me to express, process, and move forward. divorce_journal_001
While this is still a sore subject for me because she hasn’t signed the papers, I think my answer to this prompt would be something along the lines of this…

“I promise to…

wpid-20150720_172322_20150720174648973.jpg

♦   …forgive you for the emotional trauma you’ve caused me.” This process is going to take a while. It’s been 2 years since I left for the second time, and after an unsuccessful reconciliation.

This is most certainly the hardest part of my travels down this road. It’s also the most significant – this is required as my starting point. A part of extending this forgiveness is that I also need to ask for forgiveness.

I’ve caused tremendous hurt towards her with my words and actions. Things I can’t take back. Things that she will probably remember for the rest of her life.

I said things out of retribution for my hurt.

Out of disgust and malice…a very deep red malice. Not just out of anger, but out of a deep, sickening, black hatred.

I’ve had a hard time letting these feelings go and have been at odds with my faith because my Lord wants me to live a life in accordance with His will.

The things I’ve done have not been in alignment with His will.

          He extends forgiveness to me on a daily basis. I need to get to a point where I can do the same towards others. With the Holy Spirit’s help, I will.

♦   …let go of my anger towards you.” Over time, I’ve been able to do this. Sometimes it flares up at unexpected times and sometimes there are triggers. It has taken a lot of time and separation from the situation to be able to work on letting go of the intense anger I had. It’s similar to taking the boiling pot off the burner.

Not turning down the heat, removing it from the heat.

My personality is anger-based so this has been a double challenge.

I was so angry when I ended things a second time that I wrote the most cruel and heart-piercing things I could think of on our pictures. I threw our wedding album and honeymoon scrapbook in the dumpster and sent her a picture in a text saying, “Trash gets picked up on Wednesday.” I ripped pictures in half and I Sharpied her face out of all of them.

divorce_004b

divorce_001adivorce_005b

About a week later I gathered everything related to her and crammed them into a metal pail.

I poured lighter fluid on them.

And burned them.

This was the picture I sent her.

divorce_004a

About a week after that I was served with an emergency protective order because of the angry texts I was sending to her. I got the point and it actually helped put a halt to my anger, and allowed me to work on letting things go.

I’ll wrap up this section with the following quote…

Buddha quote,

♦   …extend grace.” Life happens and things go awry. Are those moments intense and emotional in the moment? Absolutely. Do they matter in the grand scheme of things? Sometimes. I’ve learned that a war is comprised of a series of battles. Some of those battles you lose in order to win the warthe really big objective you want to achieve. Grace is that undeserved understanding and mercy, understanding, and sympathy that will allow me to traverse the obstacles I face.

During these times of tension I will try my best to extend grace, because it was extended to me.

Of course this is not ALL I have to work on, but it is a solid beginning.

Baby steps, young Padawan…

Baby steps.

Thank you all for taking your time to read this post. My call to action is that you take the same challenge and also use it as a blog post. If you do, would you also link it back to surviving the specter so I can read and comment?

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11 responses to “Right here, right now, say something to the person who has hurt you the most, beginning with, “I promise to…”

  1. KatieComeBack

    07/22/2015 at 22:58

    I never understood murder trial pleas of “temporary insanity” until I went through a divorce. Now, I understand better.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      07/23/2015 at 17:49

      I’ve never been through anything so tortuous. I never wanted to let go of my anger because it kept me moving forward in a sense. I still have a hard time letting go of it when it digs its claws into my back. X

      Liked by 1 person

       
  2. Ms. Ethel Duck

    07/22/2015 at 01:15

    Thank you for sharing from your heart and being so transparent. You’re post is real, it’s raw and it’s relevant! I have tried to think if there is a person I need to do this with but I have done this process with those that have hurt me the most already. I know the power this process holds and have been blessed beyond measure with peace from doing it. Thank you again!

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      07/22/2015 at 08:16

      Thank you so much for your empathy and graciousness, Ethel. It is good to hear that what made this post for you was its rawness and relevance. I will remember these from this point forward. As always, I appreciate you taking your time to comment and share a part of your soul with us. Thank you my dear friend. X

      Liked by 3 people

       
  3. morgueticiaatoms

    07/22/2015 at 00:07

    I did my best with this…And to an extent, I CAN forgive the donor for not having the strength to deal with me in spite of his assurances otherwise. BUT there is never gonna be a time I forgive him for abandoning our child, no matter how awful I am. He did it to his two other kids, as well, so it’s not even about the moms or children, it’s him. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness for failing his own flesh and blood.
    I’m nothing, he had every right to fail me (arrogance is just my trigger so I hold a grudge.)
    But if I am younger than him, mentally unstable, unemployed, and can still care for the child we made together…
    I don’t care if it makes me a bitter little person.
    EVERYONE owes their children more than walking out and making no effort. Just saying.
    But as far as me…I promise not to hold it against him that he couldn’t handle my dysfunction.
    I will never be okay with him walking out on our child, as well as his two other kids. Anyone who is okay with that is more mentally ill than I could ever be.

    Good for you for getting to this point and being able to be honest about it all, even when your behavior wasn’t “cool”. It makes you human. Kudos, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      07/22/2015 at 08:13

      Yes, we all have certain lines in the sand…non-negotiables that we just won’t tolerate. And that is perfectly fine. I walked out on my step kids…or at least haven’t cultivated a relationship with them, and in that part I’ve failed. My stepdaughter was a reason I walked out (for my own reasons) and I was just so overwhelmed with focusing on my daughter, getting through the legal struggles, and communicating with their mom about visitation, that I just didn’t have the wherewithal to expend more energy. My conscience has struggled with that for years. Perhaps time will heal, but with my step-daughter it is another anger hurdle I must traverse. Thank you for your unconditional support and your comments, Niki. You are treasured here. X

      Liked by 2 people

       
  4. houck52

    07/21/2015 at 20:24

    like…wow. What a statement. You are moving forward. Sometimes you have to remember…God loves that person you cannot stand as much as he loves you…We could wish it was not so…but he does. So forgive yourself and her…you deserve the peace it will bring.
    Lordy…the pic is awful ! lol…xoxo
    deb

    Liked by 2 people

     
  5. gingersnap74

    07/21/2015 at 16:21

    Such a powerful post, Chris. I know the depth of anger you’ve felt and this is huge for you. It’s a HUGE step in the right direction and it is an enormous example as a Father. Be proud of yourself! As your best friend, I’m super proud of your progress and I know the Good Lord is smiling down on you. Big hugs! Xoxoxo

    Liked by 3 people

     

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