I watched this 20″ video in my singles group at church. In it, Brene Brown talks about what it takes to live wholeheartedly.
What do we need to experience joy and the other positive aspects of life?
How do we lose ourselves to shame?
And why is vulnerability significant?
This is one of my favorite talks on relationships and the ideas I’ve listed below are the words of Brene Brown, which are taken from the video.
Connection
Why are we here? We are wired to be connected.
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Shame (and Fear)
What is the source of our shame?
“Shame unravels connection.”
“I’m not good enough.”
Shame is the fear of disconnection. “If someone knows this about me I won’t be worthy of connection.”
It’s universal. Everyone has shame.
People who don’t have shame are incapable of human empathy and connection.
No one wants to talk about it. The more you have it the less you want to talk about it.
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Excruciating Vulnerability (“Lean into the pain and discomfort”)
Vulnerability underpins shame.
In order for ourselves to be really seen, we have to be vulnerable.
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Worthiness
Am I worthy enough?
Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. The inverse is also true.
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Courage, Compassion, Connection, Vulnerability (or “the way the wholehearted live”)
♦ Courage – telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Courageous people have the courage to be imperfect. Courage is different from bravery.
♦ Compassion – They have the compassion to be kind to themselves first and others second – we can’t be compassionate and kind to others if we can’t be the same way with ourselves first.
♦ Connection – the result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they are. The fear that we’re not worthy of connection prevents us from being connected.
♦ Vulnerability – they believe that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. Vulnerability is not comfortable but it is necessary. e.g., the willingness to say “I love you” first. “The willingness to do something when there are no guarantees.” “The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.”
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On Vulnerability-
We struggle with vulnerability.
♦ Numb – We numb vulnerability because being vulnerable is hard. e.g., initiating sex, admitting you’re wrong, saying I’m sorry… We can’t selectively numb emotions. When we numb vulnerability (or one of many emotions) we numb joy, gratitude, and happiness, etc.
♦ Why and how we numb – not just through addiction.
– “We make everything that is uncertain, certain.”
– “We perfect”.
– “We pretend”
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Closing
To be kinder and gentler to others, we must be kinder and gentler to ourselves. We can do this by…
“Let ourselves be deeply and vulnerably seen.”
“To love with our whole hearts…even though there is no guarantee.”
“Practice gratitude and joy.”
“Believe that we are enough.”
mistakenldy
07/13/2015 at 12:20
Couldn’t have been more spot on with timing. Thanks for posting this for our community to read & folks like me to read when much needed. These concepts and words are sooo sooo true.
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Surviving the Specter
07/13/2015 at 13:48
You’re welcome, mistakenldy. Thank you for your feedback. X
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gingersnap74
07/09/2015 at 18:58
I love Brene Brown’s talks. They are always enlightening to me. To believe that we are enough is probably a struggle for most of the world. Who doesn’t feel unworthy or shameful at one time or another. It takes great dedication to remember to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves well in the process. This is all tied to being vulnerable….if we are vulnerable with the wrong people that mistreat that trait in us then we feel judged and right back to unworthy. Vicious…vicious cycle.
Thanks for posting, Chris. This was empowering!
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morgueticiaatoms
07/08/2015 at 21:09
“People without shame are incapable of human connection…”
I dispute this. People can have shame and empathy yet still connect with others. It amounts to “they think THIS is wrong, but I don’t.” I don’t want to connect to a group of people who say it is wrong to be gay. I have NO shame about this and never will. There are some who believe only the weak of mind and will can be mentally ill, and I will never agree with that, never feel shame.
Not everything is black and white.
Furthermore, any deity that says I have to assimilate to beliefs I don’t share, against those that go against the grain… No shame,no regret,
For me, faith in a deity means, rejection no one for reasons I don’t myself agree with. Benevolence would not require it.
Now. More elbow pics!!!!
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sassafrassthefeisty
07/08/2015 at 21:07
This is such a good one! Im going to reblog it! Some people see my ability to love the unlovable as a flaw. I see it as one of my biggest vulnerabilities and I embrace it. And being vulnerable means being honest with oneself and that is freaking scary to most. 🙂
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