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My Suicide Attempt [REPOST]

08 Jun

[TRIGGER WARNING]

NOTE: This post is a section taken from the original, entitled “My Story“. I felt someone needed to hear this in detail and know that they are not alone. 

Sunday, September 14th of 2014 was my watershed. I remember the day perfectly. It was a warmer, sunny day in Norfolk, VA. Perfect for me to be outside, working on art for my business. So I rounded up my tools, plugged in my ear buds, and cranked up my tunes. My upstairs neighbor was outside also, grilling dinner for his family on his cooker, which is just out of the left side of the picture below. I talked and laughed with him for a bit then went back to listening to Bullet for My Valentine, Breaking Benjamin, Five Finger Death Punch and the like. I was perfectly happy despite my playlist. I made the peace sign below, that day. I was in the zone. Life was perfect and I was filled with joy and accomplishment.

Multi-colored peace sign made from driftwood.

This is the project I completed several hours before I attempted suicide. It’s made out of driftwood from the beach across the street from my apartment.

Hours later as the day started winding down, I began to pack everything up and take it inside. I was tired and worn out but still on top of the world. I tinkered around with my projects inside, painting and drilling until a reasonable time when my neighbors would be going to bed. I try to be as considerate as I can with this.

About 8:30 I called my daughter to tell her good night and that I love her. Ring. Ring. Ring. No answer. I called her on her second cell phone number. Ring. Ring. Ring. No answer. This is when it started. This is my trigger. The beast’s lips peeled back over its incisors as it waited in the corner. I called her mother’s phone.

Ring.

Ring.

RIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!

No answer. Resentment grew in me. The demon’s chipped, stiletto fingernails reached for me out of the darkness. Resentment quickly gave way to anger. Red. Anger.

The demon slashed.

If it stopped at resentment I would have been “alright”. Not the option a person who is born again should chose. But I went down the road of resentment nonetheless. I plugged my phone’s playlist into my surround sound and I let the Five Finger Death Punch rip! After a short time, probably 20 minutes after that the anger turned to depression. FFDP’s “Coming Down” was playing and I put it on repeat and cranked it.

“It’s caving in around me, what I thought was solid ground,
I tried to look the other way, but I couldn’t turn around.
It’s ok for you to hate me, for all the things I’ve done,
I’ve made a few mistakes, but I’m not the only one.”

Tonight I didn’t go to the fridge to grab the wine like I usually did. I went to the 80 proof rum that sat on top. I filled a cup about 3/4 of the way and then topped the rest off with diet Coke. I started to drink. Heavily. I was walking aimlessly back and forth from my apartment kitchen to my bedroom. Back and forth. Waiting for the elixir to kick in. It did. And the bottom dropped out. I started to cry. I cried vehemently…violently. I don’t know what it’s called at that point, but crying isn’t it.

“Step away from the ledge, I’m coming down.
I could never be, what you want me to.
You pulled me under, to save yourself (save yourself).

You will never see, what’s inside of me.
I pull you under, just to save myself.”

Forcing myself to focus through my pain, anguish, and tears, I sat down at the corner desk in my bedroom and started to write. About 30 minutes and four pages later I finished my “living will”. It’s funny they call it that, because it’s at that very moment I decided I didn’t have the will to live. I made sure all my bases were covered for those who would find me and have to deal with the repercussions. I wrote the password to my computer files down for my neighbor and gave ownership of ALL my belongings to her and my mom. The first thing I detailed is that I didn’t want my estranged wife within 50 yards of me at any time from this point forward. I was very specific. I gave ownership of everything associated with my art business to the President of our local art association. She’s a dear lady and she would know what to do with all I had. I wanted to make the hassle of the after effects of deciding where my belongings would go, “easier” on them. I didn’t care about the emotional impact. I didn’t care about being selfish. You don’t when you’re in it. It didn’t even cross my mind. I was so far gone. Then I texted three friends whom I now call my angels.

“Was there ever any question, on how much I could take?
You kept feeding me your bul*****, hoping I would break.
Is there anybody out there, is there anyone who cares?
Is there anybody listening, who will hear my final prayers?”

The first text was to my upstairs neighbor. She’s my non-blood sister and has grown to be my confidant and trusted friend: “Do you have any sleeping pills?” Her response was “no”.

Next.

I texted the lady who is currently my girlfriend and asked the same. “No I don’t. Are you alright?”

Next.

The last person I texted was my dear friend who I knew had them. She’s my prayer warrior and a devout, selfless person of faith “Yes, I do. Why?” My quick response was, “I want to die tonight.”

“Step away from the ledge, I’m coming down.
I could never be, what you want me to.
You pulled me under, to save yourself (save yourself).

You will never see, what’s inside of me.
I pull you under, just to save myself.”

Between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. I walked to my closet door and took out a belt. I looped the buckled end then looped the holed end around the door handle. I secured that end with about five zip ties so it could handle the weight of a 205 lb., 41 year old male. I sat down on the floor and cinched it around my neck. Just slack enough so that when I passed out and fell forward it would take my life. When I had finished sizing and positioning the noose, I released myself and got my bottle of sleeping pills.

“It’s caving in around me (caving in), it’s tearing me apart (tearing me).
It’s all coming down around me (coming down). Does anyone care at all?
I will never be, what you want me to.
You pull me under, I pull you under.”

I sat down with my second drink, re-attached myself, and opened the bottle of pills. I wasn’t scared of what I was doing. I was scared that it wouldn’t work. [phone ringing and goes to voice mail] I had committed and had no sense of judgment left in me. [phone ringing again and going to voice mail] I took three pills and threw them back in my throat, forcing them down with my liquid courage. I laughed at myself and thought, “You have to be joking. You’re trying to die, not go to sleep.” [phone ringing and going to voice mail a third time] I dumped the rest of the pills on the floor and took one handful. Gulp. I grabbed another handful. Gulp. This was easy. I grabbed a third handful. Gulp. I chased them with the last of the rum and coke. And waited. I remember things got blurry and my eyes got heavy.

“I could never be, what you want me to
You pulled me under, to save yourself (save yourself)
You will never see, what’s inside of me
I pull you under, just to save myself”

Two days later I came to awareness in a hospital bed. I didn’t have restraints on, they took those off the day before, I learned. I had on eight point leather restraints because I was so violent. Two on each limb. I spent the next week in the hospital, stabilizing. While in the hospital I couldn’t believe I was surrounded by so much love and support. It’s all still sinking in several months later. I am thankful for all those people in my life. I love them all. And I am indebted to them.

When I left the hospital, I was transported to the Virginia Beach Psychiatric Center of my own recognizance. I remained there for a week.

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27 responses to “My Suicide Attempt [REPOST]

  1. giasuniverse

    06/13/2015 at 22:05

    It must have been awful, I am happy that you are here to share your experience with others. Someone that meant a lot to me was not so lucky, and I always tried to imagine what was going through his head at that moment, I blamed myself too..Thank you. Gia
    PS: I like the same music, the song you played paralleled the video – your friends helped you too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      06/13/2015 at 22:43

      Thank you for your kind words, Gia. Yes, whenever Specter slashes, it is horrendous and unbearable. There are things I do that make me more susceptible to his claws, which I need to correct. And there are triggers that I have identified so when they come up, I can be vigilant.

      One of the reasons for suicide, I believe, is that we reach hopelessness. I wrote a post about it, “Why do we commit suicide”. I like that we have the same interests and that we have each gained an insightful follower. I am looking forward to perusing your blog and future chats.

      X Chris

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • giasuniverse

        06/15/2015 at 13:54

        Thank you Chris for explaining this further, and pointing me to your other post, it is really helpful to those left behind, as well as those at risk. Hopelessness-yes, I think, I know how that feels, I have my own history of melancholy, moods and depression and one time I was in a state of utter despair and hopelessness and also confusion; it was terrible, and there was no apparent reason for those feelings at all. I am glad I found your blog, thank you for visiting mine. Gia x

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • Surviving the Specter

          06/15/2015 at 20:13

          You are welcome, my friend. Thank you for your kind and supportive comments. I am sorry you have had to go through the same things. Thank you again, for following. X

          Liked by 1 person

           
  2. coastal beach

    06/09/2015 at 09:59

    Thank you for sharing, I know it is difficult.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      06/09/2015 at 10:23

      You are welcome, coastal. Maybe that’s the plan the Lord had with me surviving. Thank you for your very kind comments and for being supportive.

      Like

       
  3. dimdaze

    06/09/2015 at 06:43

    This could be my story, hospital, psych ward and all. Thank you for posting this frank recount of the awful event.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      06/09/2015 at 09:34

      You are very welcome, dim’. I am so sorry this is your story as well. Do you have a post about it that you could refer me to? I’m going to peruse your blog a little more today. Thank you for your comments, my friend.

      Like

       
  4. facetioussoup

    06/09/2015 at 02:09

    Reblogged this on momentarylapseofsanity.

    Like

     
  5. houck52

    06/08/2015 at 22:56

    I am so sorry Chris…I challenge you to listen to K-Love for one month…positive vibes and worship music…we keep you in prayer…

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      06/09/2015 at 09:37

      Thank you for your inspiration, Deb. Yes, I did the K-LOVE challenge several years ago and I concur, it does make a difference. Looks like I need another 30-day round of therapy 🙂

      Like

       
  6. brentblonigan

    06/08/2015 at 22:33

    Yea, when you lose your fear of dying, it seems easy. Drinking and depression was not a real great combination for me either. I found myself in a psychiatric ward too.

    That was in the middle of May of 1978.

    Liked by 2 people

     
  7. mrsabbyj

    06/08/2015 at 22:28

    Reblogged this on mgwebbuddy.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      06/08/2015 at 22:39

      Thank you, Abby and Mike.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Chelise

        06/08/2015 at 23:18

        Chris, that night will forever be a part of my life and our friendship. Love you dearly my BFF (happy best friend day today by the way) God used me and for that I’m truly grateful because a lot of our lives would be empty without you! You are truly one of the best people I know and I thank God for you daily. He isn’t done with you yet 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

         
        • Surviving the Specter

          06/09/2015 at 09:35

          Thank you for your (as always) kind and humbling words. Yes things went down the way they did for a reason. I’m not “healed” and this is something I will have to live with for my entire life, but I’m thankful for all the learning moments along the way. Thank you for saving me that night. X

          Liked by 1 person

           

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