So I’ve been in the doldrums of life for the past couple months or so. I wrote a post about how I felt from not taking my Adderall because I have to pay for it out of pocket, and how my girlfriend thinks I’m experiencing the effects of withdrawal.
It sucks, but at least it’s melancholia and not Specter. Thank God for that rusty cage of Lexapro and Abilify to keep him, Weekend, and Morning suppressed to the dark, cobwebbed recesses of the basement of my mind. It sucks but it definitely could suck more. I’m very thankful it doesn’t.
Here’s what my after-work routine has devolved into-
I come home from work every day just flat out spent from the mind numbing boredom. A mentally collapsed infrastructure from a lack of brainseismic activity. No energy. Irritable from the metabolic dip that joins me for my hour-plus commute home in a car that seriously sounds like there’s an aluminum can full of metal scraps under the hood, and that hums like a swarm of African Killer Bees tearing after an aardvark.
Fighting the will to stay awake, my eyelids feel like there are two hobbits having a chin up contest and I nod off randomly at a stop light. Tired to the point of comatose. I just can’t function. I’m irritable to the point that I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone, log more points on Waze, and Bluetooth my playlist, which is appropriately titled, “Thundertracks” – like I think that will keep me awake. Most people can’t understand this kind of exhaustion because it’s not their kind of tired. It’s wayyyy more intense and overwhelming than “just being tired”. The only thing I can do is to get home safely and hit the hay for a 2-hour “nap”. Nothing else cures it.
After I wake up I usually spend the next two hours in a groggy, foggy haze. I shut all the shades and sit in front of my computer with a single reading light on dim, a cup of tea, reading and writing blog posts. I can’t force myself to do anything else. I’m totally worthless to the world at this point. No drive to be any sort of productive. Is this manic depression? I don’t know. I feel like my life is stuck in a lost cycle of apathy. Mindless wandering through a quagmire of spider webs that exhaust me more each time they stretch across my face and limbs.
Sometimes I’ll go to the couch and try to find something on Vegflix, though usually it’s Red Box, Doritos, and cream cheese that I turn to. Last night I started watching “Hell on Wheels”. I could have been productive and searched for a second job to help with the finances. Or cleaned up. Or walked on the beach and taken pictures. It was perfectly beautiful out but I didn’t have the motivation to go walk on the beach which is only about 100 yards away!
Oh well, such is life.
I’ve been home for a few minutes now.
Time to take a nap.