Just a rant about being tired.

13 May

So I’ve been in the doldrums of life for the past couple months or so. I wrote a post about how I felt from not taking my Adderall because I have to pay for it out of pocket, and how my girlfriend thinks I’m experiencing the effects of withdrawal.

It sucks, but at least it’s melancholia and not Specter. Thank God for that rusty cage of Lexapro and Abilify to keep him, Weekend, and Morning suppressed to the dark, cobwebbed recesses of the basement of my mind. It sucks but it definitely could suck more. I’m very thankful it doesn’t.
Here’s what my after-work routine has devolved into-

I come home from work every day just flat out spent from the mind numbing boredom. A mentally collapsed infrastructure from a lack of brainseismic activity. No energy. Irritable from the metabolic dip that joins me for my hour-plus commute home in a car that seriously sounds like there’s an aluminum can full of metal scraps under the hood, and that hums like a swarm of African Killer Bees tearing after an aardvark.

Fighting the will to stay awake, my eyelids feel like there are two hobbits having a chin up contest and I nod off randomly at a stop light. Tired to the point of comatose. I just can’t function. I’m irritable to the point that I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone, log more points on Waze, and Bluetooth my playlist, which is appropriately titled, “Thundertracks” – like I think that will keep me awake. Most people can’t understand this kind of exhaustion because it’s not their kind of tired. It’s wayyyy more intense and overwhelming than “just being tired”. The only thing I can do is to get home safely and hit the hay for a 2-hour “nap”. Nothing else cures it.

After I wake up I usually spend the next two hours in a groggy, foggy haze. I shut all the shades and sit in front of my computer with a single reading light on dim, a cup of tea, reading and writing blog posts. I can’t force myself to do anything else. I’m totally worthless to the world at this point. No drive to be any sort of productive. Is this manic depression? I don’t know. I feel like my life is stuck in a lost cycle of apathy. Mindless wandering through a quagmire of spider webs that exhaust me more each time they stretch across my face and limbs.

Sometimes I’ll go to the couch and try to find something on Vegflix, though usually it’s Red Box, Doritos, and cream cheese that I turn to. Last night I started watching “Hell on Wheels”. I could have been productive and searched for a second job to help with the finances. Or cleaned up. Or walked on the beach and taken pictures. It was perfectly beautiful out but I didn’t have the motivation to go walk on the beach which is only about 100 yards away!

Oh well, such is life.

I’ve been home for a few minutes now.

Time to take a nap.


5 responses to “Just a rant about being tired.

  1. bkmoore

    05/13/2015 at 22:40

    Praying for relief for you.


  2. morgueticiaatoms

    05/13/2015 at 16:16

    If your functionality is this hampered even with that med combo..You either need an increase or a change. You’re in a functional depression and what you consider living right now is akin to sleepwalking. And from personal experience, even meds that *did* help can stop working or actually make you feel worse. Just a thought.
    I’m actually embracing my depression because the rage the latuda made me feel was way worse than just not wanting to exist. I can get through this murk. Impulses of hateful blinding fury…Oh, noooo, Latuda, never again.

    Biggest thing to help yourself…Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. Never mind if it’s specter or meds or just bad circumstances…Feel lousy for awhile. Then figure out what to do to change it.
    I’m thinking of abducting the members of Black Veil Brides as my personal “music therapy” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Surviving the Specter

      05/13/2015 at 16:23

      Yes, I am going to talk to my doctor about an increase. I’m only on 2 mg of the Abilify so maybe that’s where I need the increase. You’re absolutely right about feeling like I’m sleepwalking – spot on. I’ve heard that meds start to lose their effectiveness after a season of time, whether a couple years or a few. I think I’ve reached that in my situation. My circumstances at work aren’t too helpful either.
      I’ll give you BVB if you let me have 5FDP.

      Thank you for your comments. They are ALWAYS appreciated 🙂

      Liked by 1 person


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Inner-Missions PLLC

"A Journey of Self-Discovery: Remembering Who You Are"

Land of Oyr

The home of Εpic Fantasy world by author Viel Nast, information about upcoming books, history of Land of Oyr, Epic Metal, Epic books and more!

Making Maps: DIY Cartography

Resources and Ideas for Making Maps


Gathering a Community of Worldbuilders

The Wild Heart of Life

"He was unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life." ...James Joyce

Dyson's Dodecahedron

Award Winning Dungeon Design

Fantasy In Motion

Live by the pen, die by the sword...

The Cool Mama

Adventures in art and design

ars phantasia

reflections on fantasy cartography & game design

The World according to Dina

Notes on Seeing, Reading & Writing, Living & Loving in The North

Kristen Lamb

Author, Blogger, Social Media Jedi

flashlight batteries

Poetry: Emergency lighting for times of darkness and fear

summerSHINES studio blog

Mental health writer, anti-stigma campaigner & Etsy illustrator; using words and vibrant colour to create SHINE from the shadows

Lucky Rabbit's Foot

... not so lucky for the rabbit!

Owning It

Claiming boyhood, staring down sexual abuse


some scars can’t be seen

English-Language Thoughts

English-Language Thoughts

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

Sound Bite Fiction

where nothing is quite what it seems


A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.


art. popular since 10,000 BC

From the Darkness into the Sunshine

sexual abuse,survivor,healing,life as whole

The Cotswold Company Blog

Country Inspired Furniture

Lynn Thaler

Weird and Random Thoughts

Crown Print

a book blog

Speak Out Society

Speak up, even if your voice shakes.


My experiences with autism, depression, and life

A Mental Health Blog by Al Levin

Men & Depression, Suicide Prevention & Awareness, Mental Illness Stigma, & Our Broken Mental Health System


Br Andrew's Muses

From head to pen - A great site

Shortness of Breadth

Two Angels and a Black Dog

The journey of a single mum with bipolar


My oasis in the desert of the living.

Truth Vindicator

Liberating truth and free thought with words of wisdom, wit and wonder

Soul Joy

Learning To Live A Life of Purpose to help bring Joy to my Soul and Yours.

Joys of Joel

The Poetry of My Life through My Writings and Journeys

Someday Tomorrow

On a journey to a happier place

Depression and Art

My journey and My Art

%d bloggers like this: