“Maybe if you weren’t an asshole to everybody in [daughter’s name]’s life I wouldn’t have a problem contacting you.”
That’s the text I got today after I told my stepdaughter it’s her responsibility to provide her new address so I can pick my daughter up for visitation. I went to three different and incorrect addresses before she texted me the correct one.
I was pissed.
I was infuriated with her caustic, self-righteous words of idiocy.
This on top of everything (totally different situation) I screwed up last night with my girlfriend, because of my wrong actions and uncalled for words.
I was seeing red. My hands shook as I held the steering wheel in a deathgrip and choked the life out of it. Venom in my veins and pumping like napalm out of my heart.
I was shouting at the top of my lungs.
And the Five Finger Death Punch blared in the background.
“I‘m gonna lash back check that
Fatal as a heart attack
Stomp out all the ugliest lies”
I was pissed. And I let the monster feed on whatever he wanted.
“You can’t convince me to change
We ain’t on the same page
I’ve had my fill now there’s nothing but rage”
When you have the same message (the one about being an asshole) coming from two separate sources you might call that the truth.
I am an angry person at my root. Why? I have no idea.
The people at the end of the couch taking notes say it’s dad issues. I’m still trying to figure that out. I really wish I could because then I could fix it.
“Best get out of my way
‘Cause there’s nothing to say
Is that all that you got?
Because I ain’t got all day”
I get sick of being so angry. And for being a hypocrite with my Faith. This is not the way I am supposed to conduct myself. But that’s another topic all together.
I frickin’ blew up today with the whole fiasco.
When I picked my daughter up from my stepdaughter, I had the video recorder on my phone recording. I sternly told my stepdaughter that what I was saying was being recorded, and that would make it admissible in court.
And then I let her have it-
“First. You WILL NOT call me an asshole or any other derogatory terms when you communicate with me.
“Second. You WILL NOT communicate through [daughter’s name] any more from here on out. If there is a change of address, if there is any question you have of me, YOU will communicate this to me. You will NOT put her in the middle of this or use her like a messenger.
“Third. It is YOUR responsibility to let me know your change of address. If [daughter’s name] is staying with you, it is YOUR responsibility to let me know. You and you alone.”
I need prayers. I’ve been hurt. And I’ve caused hurt.
I need humility in asking forgiveness. For a lot of things.
I need strength to forgive.
I need to forgive so that I can let go of this anger. It’s ruining my relationships and hurting people that don’t deserve it.
I don’t like it.
I don’t like the monster under my skin.