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I’m an A**hole.

02 May


“Maybe if you weren’t an asshole to everybody in [daughter’s name]’s life I wouldn’t have a problem contacting you.”

That’s the text I got today after I told my stepdaughter it’s her responsibility to provide her new address so I can pick my daughter up for visitation. I went to three different and incorrect addresses before she texted me the correct one.

I was pissed.

I was infuriated with her caustic, self-righteous words of idiocy.

This on top of everything (totally different situation) I screwed up last night with my girlfriend, because of my wrong actions and uncalled for words.

I was seeing red. My hands shook as I held the steering wheel in a deathgrip and choked the life out of it. Venom in my veins and pumping like napalm out of my heart.

I was shouting at the top of my lungs.

And the Five Finger Death Punch blared in the background.

“I‘m gonna lash back check that
Fatal as a heart attack
Stomp out all the ugliest lies”

I was pissed. And I let the monster feed on whatever he wanted.

“You can’t convince me to change
We ain’t on the same page
I’ve had my fill now there’s nothing but rage”

When you have the same message (the one about being an asshole) coming from two separate sources you might call that the truth.

I am an angry person at my root. Why? I have no idea.

The people at the end of the couch taking notes say it’s dad issues. I’m still trying to figure that out. I really wish I could because then I could fix it.

“Best get out of my way
‘Cause there’s nothing to say
Is that all that you got?
Because I ain’t got all day”

I get sick of being so angry. And for being a hypocrite with my Faith. This is not the way I am supposed to conduct myself. But that’s another topic all together.

I frickin’ blew up today with the whole fiasco.

When I picked my daughter up from my stepdaughter, I had the video recorder on my phone recording. I sternly told my stepdaughter that what I was saying was being recorded, and that would make it admissible in court.

And then I let her have it-

“First. You WILL NOT call me an asshole or any other derogatory terms when you communicate with me.

“Second. You WILL NOT communicate through [daughter’s name] any more from here on out. If there is a change of address, if there is any question you have of me, YOU will communicate this to me. You will NOT put her in the middle of this or use her like a messenger.

“Third. It is YOUR responsibility to let me know your change of address. If [daughter’s name] is staying with you, it is YOUR responsibility to let me know. You and you alone.”

I need prayers. I’ve been hurt. And I’ve caused hurt.

I need humility in asking forgiveness. For a lot of things.

I need strength to forgive.

I need to forgive so that I can let go of this anger. It’s ruining my relationships and hurting people that don’t deserve it.

I don’t like it.

I don’t like the monster under my skin.


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7 Comments

Posted by on 05/02/2015 in Anger, Depression

 

Tags: ,

7 responses to “I’m an A**hole.

  1. morgueticiaatoms

    05/02/2015 at 21:14

    Have you considered an intermediary between yourself and the stepdaughter so whatever issues the two of you have don’t impact your daughter? Maybe someone you both know who is objective of the child’s best interest in lieu of the court rigamarole?
    And for whatever it’s worth…We’re all assholes at times, even those without mental illness. You are at least interested in seeing your child. That makes you decent enough in my book, considering my kid’s donor has made zero effort to see her or support her in 4 years.
    I’d forgive him if he’d just do right by her.
    So..asshole or not, you’re trying to do right by your kid.
    That counts for something.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      05/02/2015 at 21:30

      Thank you for your words of support. WE have a go-between that costs $200 an hour, and whom we use when things are impossible. Still pretty worthless in my book but whatever. This was just a blip on the radar and things have been “quiet” for the past few months. Nerve racking nonetheless.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • morgueticiaatoms

        05/02/2015 at 21:38

        The Donor has made NO move to see our child but I have already enlisted a friend to be the mediator, free of charge. He raised his three girls by himself because their mother was too abusive to get custody and he also dumped my mood swingy ass so it’s not like he’s partial to me.
        He’s partial to what’s best for the kids involved.
        I don’t need to be a saint. I just need things to be fair. And when it’s free…Even better.
        That’s IF the donor ever attempts to see or contribute to her existence. It’s just nice to know the option is there and it is in the best interest of my kid. He may be my friend, but my kid’s needs trump mine so he would never just give preferential treatment,
        It’s good. All I want is what’s best for her and what doesn’t make me more insane.
        Keep fighting to be a dad. It”s not an easy job and the fact you’re not running from it…Means even with the specter, you’re steps above my baby daddy.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • Surviving the Specter

          05/02/2015 at 21:43

          It’s sad and unbelievable that I’m saying this, but yes, because it is SO hard and constant, I can understand why there are dads who are not involved. I don’t agree with it. It’s wrong. But having come through this gauntlet, I can understand.

          Thank you for your support. I am thankful for it beyond words.

          Liked by 1 person

           
          • morgueticiaatoms

            05/02/2015 at 21:46

            I get that parenthood is hard. But the donor is ten years older than me with no mental health diagnosis and a full time job with benefits. This is his third child he has failed to support or be involved with.
            This isn’t about it being tough. This about a man too immature for the responsibility who cannot bond with his own blood.
            I don’t understand that and never will. If my mess up head can be a parent, then there’s no excuse for him. Especially when he’s telling everyone what a fine upstanding person he is yet he has three kids he doesn’t support or interact with.
            That’s an example of an asshole.
            You try. That’s a good thing.

            Liked by 1 person

             

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