I’ve been off my Abilify for about two days. And feeling the effects of it.
To fight Specter, I take 20 mg of Lexapro in the morning along with 2 mg of Abilify. Doctors added Abilify to my Lexapro when I was in the hospital after hanging myself. This addition has been my silver bullet. It allows me to experience my life while co-existing with the grey…the fog of war that exists without it.
The fog is always there.
But with Abilify it’s on the horizon just out of sight…
…instead of blanketing my world with the Anaconda tightness of plastic wrap.
Staying true to a major theme of this blog – informing – I’m pushing myself to write through this. This is what I’m experiencing in live time…
♦ I’m tired and groggy. I’m nodding off at my desk as I write this entry. I want to take a nap. It feels like I have gremlins doing chin ups on my eyelids.
♦ The grey of despair has returned. Not only is it overcast outside, it’s overcast in my head. The fog of war across a No Man’s Land of desolation.
♦ I’m lethargic. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have obligations that I need to take care of. It’s hard bringing myself to do anything. I have an art show coming up in two weeks. I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medicine and I’m too tired to even do that.
♦ Worry and Anxiety are tattooed on Specter’s forearms. They come at me with the intent of dragging me down. It’s working…
♦ I’m having suicidal thoughts. I won’t act on them, but it’s what keeps popping into my head…right behind the worry and anxiety of running out of money, falling short on my bills, not being able to pay for car problems that are sneaking up, etc.
I’ll try to write a follow-up to this when it’s passed. Sorry for the choppiness and incoherence.