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What is today like without Abilify?

07 Apr

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I’ve been off my Abilify for about two days. And feeling the effects of it.

To fight Specter, I take 20 mg of Lexapro in the morning along with 2 mg of Abilify. Doctors added Abilify to my Lexapro when I was in the hospital after hanging myselfThis addition has been my silver bullet. It allows me to experience my life while co-existing with the greythe fog of war that exists without it.

The fog is always there.

But with Abilify it’s on the horizon just out of sight…

…instead of blanketing my world with the Anaconda tightness of plastic wrap.

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Staying true to a major theme of this blog – informing – I’m pushing myself to write through this. This is what I’m experiencing in live time…

♦  I’m tired and groggy. I’m nodding off at my desk as I write this entry. I want to take a nap. It feels like I have gremlins doing chin ups on my eyelids.

♦  The grey of despair has returned. Not only is it overcast outside, it’s overcast in my head. The fog of war across a No Man’s Land of desolation.

♦  I’m lethargic. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have obligations that I need to take care of. It’s hard bringing myself to do anything. I have an art show coming up in two weeks. I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medicine and I’m too tired to even do that.

♦  Worry and Anxiety are tattooed on Specter’s forearms. They come at me with the intent of dragging me down. It’s working…

♦  I’m having suicidal thoughts. I won’t act on them, but it’s what keeps popping into my head…right behind the worry and anxiety of running out of money, falling short on my bills, not being able to pay for car problems that are sneaking up, etc.

I’ll try to write a follow-up to this when it’s passed. Sorry for the choppiness and incoherence.

-Chris

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12 Comments

Posted by on 04/07/2015 in Depression, Suicide

 

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12 responses to “What is today like without Abilify?

  1. Mom of 3

    04/12/2015 at 21:31

    I’m so sorry I missed this post the other day. I hope you are feeling better. Know that you’re in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  2. happygrumpymom

    04/09/2015 at 02:16

    Changing up meds and playing the waiting game is never fun, it’s just crappy. I sincerely hope you are feeling better by this point.

    Like

     
  3. mistakenldy

    04/08/2015 at 17:56

    Hoping and praying you are feeling better Surviving’. Especially appreciate your transparency in this post and making the effort to push through the grey. It’s important to notice when we are struggling and why but not allow the grey to become black, thus taking over.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      04/08/2015 at 19:11

      Thank you so much f or your support, mistaken. It can be the hardest thing to reach out and write when you’re in the abyss. Thankful for the unconditional support system I have that wouldn’t let me sink further, even when I was.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  4. morgueticiaatoms

    04/07/2015 at 16:26

    Must admit, I envy you finding the magic med bullet. I tried Lexpro and Abilify and the side effects were horrendous and there was zero improvement. If it works for you…Embrace it with all your might. I am still hoping to find my magic bullet.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      04/07/2015 at 16:46

      Thank you for your support, Niki. I’m really sorry the effects were so horrendous for you. It’s like we’re playing a huge craps game and the effects are a roll of the dice for each survivor. It’s an unfortunate hand to be dealt. At 41, I still consider myself fortunate to have found one that works and pray that you are able to find relief in the near future.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  5. magicallymad

    04/07/2015 at 14:45

    *Abilify

    Like

     
  6. magicallymad

    04/07/2015 at 14:45

    Are you without your ability, just need to pick it up?

    Liked by 1 person

     

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