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When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide?

18 Mar
When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide?

NOTE: Dear reader, this post talks openly about suicide. If this is a trigger, please do not read it at this time. Thank you. May peace come to you in your valley.

I attempted suicide on 9/14/14.

I had been on the noose for about 45 minutes.

I am fortunate. I had friends that saved me.

I hope that my words may provide some closure for those that may still be seeking answers. A small bit of understanding to answer the question, “Why?” My family and friends are fortunate because I am able to answer those questions for. I am fortunate to be alive and explain it to them.

************************************************************************************

storm_001

“It’s the easy way out.”Psh! Friend if you’re that deep, it’s the ONLY way out.

“He just wanted attention.” I wanted peace.

“He was so selfish.” I wasn’t thinking of anybody.

So when does it all become too much to handle? At what point does a person reach that tipping point in which they decide to take their own life? What makes them act on their will? I am not an expert, nor a psychologist. I have no certifications, dissertations, or doctorates.

But.

I.

Am.

A.

Survivor.

angel_001a

In my case there wasn’t a large catastrophic event, such as job loss, etc. Sure I’ve dealt with those along with a divorce, but those weren’t factors in my decision. In fact, those whom I talked to that day probably would have never guessed I would attempt to hang myself several hours later that day. Heck, I didn’t even know. I was “doing fine” in the sense that I was functioning normally and it was a bright, beautiful day out. The series of events that took me down to the abyss happened in the matter of a couple hours rather than over a longer period of time. Maybe they didn’t happen that quickly in actuality, but that’s what I remember.

-Hopelessness-

If I could sum it up and have it make sense it one word, that would be it – hopelessness. If I could crack the code in no more than three syllables, I would be accomplished. In my case, I had reached a point where I lost spirit. This is not to say others don’t go through the same. This is also not to say it is the only reason why those of us commit.

I’ve never mentioned hopelessness in any of my writings, but through self discovery, I feel it is the underlying catalyst for the breadcrumb of events that took place that night:

Not being able to reach my daughter at 3 different phone numbers, to tell her goodnight > resentment > anger > depression > drinking > sleeping pills > hanging.

Once any of us reach a point of hopelessness in anything, we give up on whatever it was that for what we once had hope –

Life.

Relationships.

Marriage.

Jobs.

Finances.

I had reached a point of hopelessness in my marriage and so I left. I reached a point of hopelessness in several friendships. They had become toxic. And so I severed them. Hopelessness was my tipping point.

What other factors closed the question of commitment?

Though hopelessness was the determining factor, there were two other things that…”ensured”, or made it “easier” for me to follow through.

-Seclusion-

If hopelessness was the mother of my downfall, seclusion was the disfigured child that accompanied Her…was attached to Her. Like some 1943ish sinister Siamese twin experiment. I can’t say that if I was with friends, I would have waited until a time that I was alone to end my life. But I was by myself for the entire day and that made it easier to commit.

-Safety Network-

I did not have a safety network in place. My hopelessness caught me off guard. I did not have a safety plan in place because I never expected it to happen to me. Now I have several friends that are on speed dial. You have to have at least three friends who can be there in this capacity. This is in case the first two are on dates, in a meeting, away from their cell phone, etc. Their cell phones should be on at night and turned up so they are able to hear your call. Don’t take any chances. These will be your angels. Make sure you find yours now.

I am blessed to be alive and am driven by grace to answer questions for those who have them. Please ask if you are at a level of comfort and peace to do so. I pray for your peace in whatever valley you may be travelling.

-Chris

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10 Comments

Posted by on 03/18/2015 in Depression, Suicide

 

Tags: , ,

10 responses to “When Do We Decide to Commit Suicide?

  1. Surviving the Specter

    07/31/2016 at 17:44

    Reblogged this on surviving the specter and commented:

    I’ve been Tweeting with a friend whose site is based on raising suicide awareness, especially for those who need answers to “why?”. I wrote this some time ago and am hoping it helps a little in the way of explaining my personal experience.

    Like

     
  2. memeethemuse

    09/09/2015 at 13:57

    Thank you, Chris, for reposting this for me. It does help. It helps answer my two most confusion questions: 1. How does a person go from fantasizing and wish for it to actually committing to it. And 2. How does a person, knowing the pain it will cause those he adores totally anguish, make their suffering acceptable.

    Know that I understand better I can move past those questions and really begin to focus on the life and therefore, begin to heal. One of the things that hurts so much is knowing that he was in such tremendous pain that this was the only way out. I know we cannot understand another’s pain but I can feel sympathy for it, and I imagine I will always carry that with me, even after the mourning has ended.

    So excellently written too! I thank God that you survived so you can be a messenger to the rest of the world.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      09/09/2015 at 14:12

      You’re welcome, my friend. I am SO glad that this post was able to answer some questions for you. That in itself goes a long ways in the healing process. I had questions in my marriage that were never answered before I left my ex-wife, but time has wiped them off the chalkboard of my mind. Nevertheless, I struggled with those unanswered questions for years, and eventually replaced them with my own answers – which may not necessarily have been a good thing. I think as a result, I have a lot of anger and resentment I am STILL trying to get over. I will be reposting more of my suicide-related posts this month and I pray there me be some tidbit you are able to take away from them and possibly pass on to others who are struggling. Thank you for taking your time to comment in dialogue and for your support as a reader, follower, and friend. Big hugs X Chris

      Like

       
      • memeethemuse

        09/09/2015 at 14:27

        Answers can always be a scary thing, especially in meaningful relationships that are not working properly. And, of course, there are repercussions from almost every human interaction we’re involved in. Hopefully in our lifetime the positive repercussions will outweigh the negative ones.

        I wanted to ask if I could re-blog the post on my site. The eloquence of your writing on this very hard topic is much more impactful than anything I can write on the matter.

        Also, this month’s poetry challenge is going to be about suicide, so if you have any poetry on the topic you might consider linking it up next week. I can remind you if you’re interested.

        Thank you again for answering my need. — Memee

        Like

         
        • Surviving the Specter

          09/09/2015 at 14:42

          Thank you for your humbling compliments, of course you are welcome to reblog anything from my site:) Thank you so much for asking.

          I appreciate you spreading the word in turn. So many people are looking for hope who may be surviving with depression, as well as looking for answers if they are living with the loss of a loved one.

          I would love to link my poetry to your site! I am going to try to put out poetry with each blog I post, most of which deal with relationships, bullying, suicide, depression, and Specter.

          X Chris

          Liked by 1 person

           
          • memeethemuse

            09/09/2015 at 15:24

            Cool. I’ll definately let you know when the challenge goes up so you can link!

            I have a lot of mental health followers so I am grateful to know you are happy to have your words passed along beyond your own sites. The further our reach the more we can help, and perhaps save.

            Memee

            Liked by 1 person

             
  3. Mom of 3

    03/19/2015 at 19:02

    Thankful for your life. Thank you for helping me understand a little bit more.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      03/19/2015 at 20:58

      You’re welcome, Lisa. Credit goes to the Lord for all that He does and continues to do. Thank you for your strength.

      Like

       

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