NOTE: Dear reader, this post talks openly about suicide. If this is a trigger, please do not read it at this time. Thank you. May peace come to you in your valley.
I had been on the noose for about 45 minutes.
I am fortunate. I had friends that saved me.
I hope that my words may provide some closure for those that may still be seeking answers. A small bit of understanding to answer the question, “Why?” My family and friends are fortunate because I am able to answer those questions for. I am fortunate to be alive and explain it to them.
“It’s the easy way out.”Psh! Friend if you’re that deep, it’s the ONLY way out.
“He just wanted attention.” I wanted peace.
“He was so selfish.” I wasn’t thinking of anybody.
So when does it all become too much to handle? At what point does a person reach that tipping point in which they decide to take their own life? What makes them act on their will? I am not an expert, nor a psychologist. I have no certifications, dissertations, or doctorates.
In my case there wasn’t a large catastrophic event, such as job loss, etc. Sure I’ve dealt with those along with a divorce, but those weren’t factors in my decision. In fact, those whom I talked to that day probably would have never guessed I would attempt to hang myself several hours later that day. Heck, I didn’t even know. I was “doing fine” in the sense that I was functioning normally and it was a bright, beautiful day out. The series of events that took me down to the abyss happened in the matter of a couple hours rather than over a longer period of time. Maybe they didn’t happen that quickly in actuality, but that’s what I remember.
If I could sum it up and have it make sense it one word, that would be it – hopelessness. If I could crack the code in no more than three syllables, I would be accomplished. In my case, I had reached a point where I lost spirit. This is not to say others don’t go through the same. This is also not to say it is the only reason why those of us commit.
I’ve never mentioned hopelessness in any of my writings, but through self discovery, I feel it is the underlying catalyst for the breadcrumb of events that took place that night:
Not being able to reach my daughter at 3 different phone numbers, to tell her goodnight > resentment > anger > depression > drinking > sleeping pills > hanging.
Once any of us reach a point of hopelessness in anything, we give up on whatever it was that for what we once had hope –
I had reached a point of hopelessness in my marriage and so I left. I reached a point of hopelessness in several friendships. They had become toxic. And so I severed them. Hopelessness was my tipping point.
What other factors closed the question of commitment?
Though hopelessness was the determining factor, there were two other things that…”ensured”, or made it “easier” for me to follow through.
If hopelessness was the mother of my downfall, seclusion was the disfigured child that accompanied Her…was attached to Her. Like some 1943ish sinister Siamese twin experiment. I can’t say that if I was with friends, I would have waited until a time that I was alone to end my life. But I was by myself for the entire day and that made it easier to commit.
I did not have a safety network in place. My hopelessness caught me off guard. I did not have a safety plan in place because I never expected it to happen to me. Now I have several friends that are on speed dial. You have to have at least three friends who can be there in this capacity. This is in case the first two are on dates, in a meeting, away from their cell phone, etc. Their cell phones should be on at night and turned up so they are able to hear your call. Don’t take any chances. These will be your angels. Make sure you find yours now.
I am blessed to be alive and am driven by grace to answer questions for those who have them. Please ask if you are at a level of comfort and peace to do so. I pray for your peace in whatever valley you may be travelling.