RSS
Image

The Haunting of Weekends.

01 Mar
The Haunting of Weekends.

Hi there. My name is Chris. I am a survivor of suicide and live with clinical depression. I often mention Specter who is the personification of my depression.  Thank you for taking the time to read this post and to be with me on my journey…our journey.

Question: How have you learned to survive through your weekends?

Specter has a cousin and her name is Weekend. This twice removed cousin hasn’t visited for years but I remember the horror just the same. I had just separated in my marriage, was living in a new apartment with just my business clothes, laptop, and a sleeping bag.

The Monday-through-Thursday ramping up of worry.

The Friday night dread of falling asleep and waking up crying on Saturday.

The Saturday morning realization of waking up at 5:00…4:30…4:00…3:00 am with anxiety, loneliness, fear, hurt, and desolation.

Full of gloom.

No hope.

All doom.

Saturday morning through Sunday afternoon She stayed ever present. Morning was my crucible; Weekend’s disfigured child that accompanied Her…was attached to Her. eye_through_keyhole_003Like some 1943ish sinister Siamese twin experiment.  I was awake with a cocaine-like charged
pulse hours ahead of the rest of the outside world.  Just Weekend. Morning. And Me.

They usually started to slip back into the shadows at Sunday’s dusk. Descended into the murky depths of the basement of my soul. I could see them at the bottom of the rickety stairs just out of sight. Right where the darkness took over the muted light. Leaving the rotted, rusty hinged door to the depths slightly cracked as an omen that they were returning in several days. Weekday holidays or sick days home from work, I could see their black, hollow eye watching me through the keyhole.

How I’ve Been Able to Free Myself from the Dread of Weekend and Morning.

1.  Acceptance. There comes a point when you are able to accept your circumstances. You learn to adjust to your new life. You learn to take things in stride. The time of healing is proportional to the depth of hurt and pain. I’ve learned that the fallout from the hurt, depression, anger, and resentment from a failed, eight year marriage does not happen with three magical clicks of the ruby slippers. But it does start. At some point it does. It starts with acceptance. When you can scratch, pull, and drag yourself to that point, you’ve traversed the chasm my friend. You’ve begun the journey to healing. There is a point when your weekends will return to happy times. Just you watch how you grow and heal.

2.  Time and prayer. It’s been some time since I’ve lived through a weekend haunting. I know that time and prayer have helped me get used to my new lifestyle. It took me about 3 years to accept and acclimatize to the lonely, desolate valley that consumed my life. It may have taken a shorter amount of time if I accompanied that time with prayer. I didn’t. We usually find our faith when our hope is broken. I fought the feelings at first but it

Does.

Become.

Bearable.

Becoming bearable turns into life becoming “easier” – livable. It’s not easy to get up in the morning. Especially if your situation is exacerbated with depression. But you will do it. With time. With acceptance. And if you’re as broken as I was, with lots of prayer. If you are at this point, please have faith that you will push through this stage. Next to Marine Corps boot camp, that three-year valley was about the hardest thing in my life. With boot camp, I knew when the trauma would end. With separation and depression you have a blank map. A scrap of despair in the fog of war. But you will persevere. You will endure. You will learn. And you will be able to speak to others going through the same thing. You will be their model of hope. I never thought I’d get to the other side. I did. If you are a person of faith, you may have learned to hold this verse close-

Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

– HCSB

3.  Fill my empty time. Once I had accepted and endured, I identified potholes in my recovery. The biggest one being the empty time I had on the weekends. Here’s what I learned to do to survive:

♦  Be proactive, not reactive. Don’t wait for Specter to come out of the shadows. Don’t wait for the weekend before you schedule things to do. Plan ahead of time. As in Sunday night or Monday. Whether it was visiting the local war museum by myself, or accepting my friends’ invitation to hang out (1. I’m an introvert, and 2. hanging out and drinking on a Friday/Saturday night was the last thing on my mind) I made sure I had something to do. I walked the beach listening to my music. I took pictures and visited historical landmarks. I collected sea glass. I enjoyed sunsets. I fished. I made it a routine to go to yard sales every Saturday morning. I went to breakfast with my brother or a friend. I started going to church. I went to the Singles group our church had, as well as the Men’s group. I played Rockband with my other “band members”. We started a band. We went on “tour”. These survival strategies soon turned into new routines and rituals that became part of my new life. I still do most of them to this day. Last year I started my own business. This year I started a blog for my business. A month later I started this blog. I’ve only been blogging on my depression for a month. Earlier on, the hard part was always coming home to an empty house. Whether it’s a two-bedroom apartment or a two-story house, the silence is the worst part. Because that’s when I heard the basement door start to creak open.

 Always have a plan “B”. If everything I mentioned in the previous bullet fell through, I had a backup plan. My time was so crammed full with things to do. Though they seemed rather forced, I did them out of survival. I did what I had to do. I would have much rather stayed on the couch and watched movies so I really had to push myself here. I was so scared to be alone in the silence. Staying busy circumvented the misery and pain.

Maybe you have other suggestions for me? Things I shoulda/coulda/woulda done? I really appreciate you taking your time to read this and being with me on this journey. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts and dialoguing about our experiences.

What is it that you do to survive your weekend?

Advertisements
 
8 Comments

Posted by on 03/01/2015 in Weekends

 

Tags:

8 responses to “The Haunting of Weekends.

  1. operahell

    05/12/2015 at 17:15

    Thank you for taking the time to write about this, I wish I could “like” it twice.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • Surviving the Specter

      05/12/2015 at 18:42

      Thank you for your sweet compliment, opera’! I am so glad you liked it. I haven’t had these feelings in months, but I remember them clear as day when I separated from my wife. Do you deal with the same things? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thank you again for your compliments.

      Like

       
      • operahell

        05/12/2015 at 19:05

        I’d have to write a blog post (in your honor, and now I plan to…) to really explore your question, but the short answer is yes, absolutely. I haven’t named my demons, but I know them well, and they sound very much like your own. I have done what many “functionally depressed” people do… trudge along because I have to, desperate to be normal. Well, sometime in the last year, something in my brain snapped, and I had a psychotic breakdown. Afterwards, I realized that my inner dialogue is cruel, unforgiving, critical… well, if you explore my blog and you’ll come across a piece called “Self Compassion” that describes it fairly well.

        What I really appreciate about your post is that I wish I had read this a year ago, five years ago – I don’t think there is a guide to recovery from mental breakdowns but this comes pretty close. I can tell by the tone that while you wrote this for yourself, you also wrote it for others, so I wanted to tell you it meant a lot to me reading it.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • Surviving the Specter

          05/12/2015 at 19:13

          Yes, I’ve been reading what you just mentioned, in your posts! I’m sorry you suffer so and hopefully you can print this post, put it in a journal, and read it to help pull you up. When we go through these valleys it is refreshing to have something there we can relate to. To know that others are going through the same things.

          Most of the demons I struggle with now are from depression (aka Specter) and suicidal thoughts. I have feelings of shame, resentment, and anger that I struggle with, too. It really means so much that this post touched you. I sort of thought my dark writing using monsters turned readers off, but am glad I stuck with it. Thank you again, my friend.

          Liked by 1 person

           

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Land of Oyr

Εpic Fantasy

Making Maps: DIY Cartography

Resources and Ideas for Making Maps

Astrographer

Gathering a Community of Worldbuilders

The Wild Heart of Life

"He was unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life." ...James Joyce

Dyson's Dodecahedron

Award Winning Dungeon Design

Fantasy In Motion

Live by the pen, die by the sword...

The Cool Mama

Adventures in art and design

ars phantasia

reflections on fantasy cartography & game design

The World according to Dina

Notes on Seeing, Reading & Writing, Living & Loving in The North

Kristen Lamb

Author, Blogger, Social Media Jedi

flashlight batteries

Poetry: Emergency lighting for times of darkness and fear

Summer Starts to Shine

"This isn't a blog about mental health 'perfection' or finding that elusive post-traumatic cure. It's about honesty, authenticity, and the open sharing of the raw unfiltered truths of a live lived with BPD & PTSD.

Lucky Rabbit's Foot

... not so lucky for the rabbit!

Owning It

Claiming boyhood, staring down sexual abuse

Vitality

The Power Of Enduring

English-Language Thoughts

English-Language Thoughts

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

Sound Bite Fiction

where nothing is quite what it seems

Discover

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

irevuo

art. popular since 10,000 BC

From the Darkness into the Sunshine

sexual abuse,survivor,healing,life as whole

The Cotswold Company Blog

Country Inspired Furniture

Lynn Thaler

Weird and Random Thoughts

Crown Print

a book blog

Speak Out Society

Speak up, even if your voice shakes.

autismthoughts

My experiences with autism, depression, and life

A Mental Health Blog by Al Levin

Men & Depression, Suicide Prevention & Awareness, Mental Illness Stigma, & Our Broken Mental Health System

tenacitytdotcom

PIECES OF ME...

Br Andrew's Muses

From head to pen - A great WordPress.com site

thedrabble.wordpress.com/

Shortness of Breadth

Two Angels and a Black Dog

The journey of a single mum with bipolar

HarsH ReaLiTy

A Good Blog is Hard to Find

FICTION

My oasis in the desert of the living.

Truth Vindicator

Liberating truth and free thought with words of wisdom, wit and wonder

Soul Joy

Learning To Live A Life of Purpose to bring Joy to my Soul and Yours whilst Living with Acromegaly

Joys of Joel

The Poetry of My Life through My Writings and Journeys

Someday Tomorrow

On a journey to a happier place

The Bold Mom BLOG

www.theboldmom.com

%d bloggers like this: